I wish I could open up to people

VENTING + mentioned SH/ED/SUICIDE IDEALIZATION

Its so disorienting to not have someone to talk to both as a child and a teen. From a very young age my parents taught me that emotions are a hinderance, and my ability to open up to friends died after my friends in 3rd grade laughed in my face and whispered about me when I asked them of they also felt a constant aching feeling in their hearts.

I have 8 best friends (friend group) who I’ve been friends for since we were in our nap-pies and yet I could not talk to them about my sh, ed, and plans at attempting. I could not talk to them about feeling sad, that empty feeling in me sometimes, the feeling of being so unloved by them but I know thats not true. Even with regular friends I know they wont care if I talk about it because 1000 other teens do think like this or something, so whats the point?

My parents have known for YEARS about my SH, I don’t hide my scars or 3-day old mistakes because I know they wont care. The one time I vent to them about wanting to die they threaten to send me back to my home country. To add salt to the wound, I used to get psychotic breakdowns (?) where I just scream and throw things around—so my parents think im just insane?

I can’t talk to professionals because the one time I did (reported at school because they saw my scars) they called my parents. Who didn’t even care lol.

I can’t open up to people because they genuinely do not care.

It’s just so hard relapsing and feeling so unloved, tired, depressed, and etc. I don’t think I will be opening up to someone any time soon, I just wish I could. Just had to finally let it out.