I broke up with my boyfriend who mistreats me. How do I accept it needs to be over and work to heal myself?

Hi ladies,

I posted this yesterday but got removed because of a bad title. I am reposting today because I’m still looking for support. Since my I first time attempting to post, I did in fact break up with my boyfriend.

I’m posting because I am in a relationship, still very early, and although I’ve heard loud and clear from my loved ones and supports I guess I’m looking for more insight. I’m not really sure.

I have been seeing a man for two months. He’s a doctor and he’s really busy. I am 30 and he’s 33.

For some background, I was a “late bloomer”. It was only when I turned 29 that I had my first relationship and became sexually active. I dated prior to this but nothing serious, mostly due to my own focus on career and fear of rejection. My first relationship last year was short lived and incredibly physically and emotionally abusive.

When I met my current boyfriend I felt really comfortable with him which I hadn’t felt before with a man. I didn’t feel sparks, but that’s what I felt in my previous relationship so I thought comfort was safer.

After only two months I’m not super happy. My boyfriend doesn’t make time for me. He will cancel dates, he’s never answered the phone once when I’ve called him. He can go days without talking and it’s fine for him. In addition, he doesn’t check in with me, or follow up when I tell him something important in my life is happening.

In his defense, he has a lot going on right now. His grandfather was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and he is my boyfriend’s idol.Within two weeks of this both his mom and grandmother were hospitalized for different but life threatening reasons. He’s also really struggling with his own mental health.

I’ve had several conversations with him and he will apologize and promise change but his actions continue. Now because of the number of conversations, he gets automatically defensive and will turn things on me saying I am “too angry” and “just shit on him”. I am a therapist, and I like to THINK that I try my hardest to approach these conversations in a healthy way.

Last night I drove 45 minutes to see him after working two jobs. We saw each other for a couple hours and then it felt like he rushed me to get home. I should note he was off for three days including today and two days prior. On my way home I hit a deer and it was very scary. I’m not familiar with the area he lives and the family or friends I would usually call for support were all asleep. I called him three times and he didn’t answer. He says he fell asleep and was very apologetic today, but I’m still really mixed up about it. To add insult to injury, today we were supposed to spend more time together and he said he had errands all day and kept pushing off the time until I had to tell him we needed to cancel because I can’t be out too late since I work early tomorrow. I still haven’t heard back from him.

I know it needs to be over and I need to end it. I think I just need reassurance. I’m feeling really low now that I turned 30. I always wanted the fairy tale love and thought I would be having children by now. When I try to end things, he pretty much says no, that it isn’t over and also I feel so heartbroken that I allow myself to go back. Unfortunately, stupidly, I really miss my abusive ex boyfriend and that’s becoming more apparent.

When I went on my first date with my current boyfriend he told me about 3 days later that he didn’t believe in love at first sight until he met me. That I feel like home to him. I guess I’m still holding on to that?

I know the answer is that he is not treating me fairly and that it’s way too early for all of this. But also I have this sick thought in the back of my head when I think of this “stability” he could provide. I grew up in a family that really struggled financially and he could provide stability that I never knew. I know that’s stupid. I know that’s not fair to him. But also maybe it could be enough if he really loved me and I just stuck it out?

I don’t know, I just need someone to give me a reality check. My friends have tried but it’s not sticking.