I’d like to be gone now

Everything is just too much and it’s hit me all at once. I’ve decided that I fucked up my life, so I’d like a time machine to before every single aspect of my life hasn’t fallen apart or I would simply like it to be over now.

I was dumped because I had communication issues despite being unable to get her to be more specific about that. Found out that I was autistic shortly after which must have been the source of my communication issues.

I lost over 120lbs which changed my life for the better, but a combination of antidepressants, injuries, falling out of habit, breakup, depression, etc. I’ve essentially regained all of this weight back after being fit for the last 4 years. I just simply hit the undo button and wasted all of that hard effort.

I feel like after learning that I was autistic I was happy because I could finally understand why my brain makes certain decisions. But it’s led to some sort of mental regression and I feel like I’ve lost how to do very basic things now, which feels like it’s stripped me from my ability to be independent. I’ve never felt more like a burden more and I can feel when loved ones are slowly pulling away or if I’m just adding to their own misery.

I was laid off in Fall of last year from my job and still have not found a new job. It was at a horrible time which led to be canceling a very important two weeks of medical appointments, some of which I have waited a long time for. But I was laid off at the end of the month with my first appointment only two days later which I had to pay late fees for the cancellation. My lease was up at the end of the month and I had agreed to go to separate places after living together for like 4 years (their my best friends but they are a married couple that need their own space).

So now I’ve moved from CA to KY to live in my brother’s basement (which this house is falling apart, his kids are always screaming, and the basement isn’t properly sealed off). The plan was to save up for a year and move back once I was fincincal secure, but it’s month 4, still no job, and I’m about $6000 in credit card debt now.

I just wanna ran away to hide like a wounded/sick dog and go somewhere quietly to die out of sight. I feel like every major aspect of my life is so much worse and I don’t wanna reach out to my friends because there’s strong feelings of being a burden and wouldn’t be fucked up to tell the married couple about how I wanna die while they are trying to enjoy their Valentine’s Day.

I’ll probably just shutdown tonight, be nonverbal, and delete this post in the morning when I feel like carrying on. But for now, I really just wanna be gone rn.