FA (me) + likely DA (him): is this deactivation or disinterest? Or both?

Skip to “Trip #3: Closure Call” if you don’t want early context.

I’m FA but mostly secure in this dynamic.

He’s avoidant. A mutual friend that’s known him for years has not seen him commit long term since an ex that hurt him. I wasn’t pursuing him. If anything, I stayed neutral/calm most of the time.

We’re long distance and only see each other on group trips.

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Trip #1 & #2 (separate years)

We had immediate chemistry from the start. He flirted slightly, I stayed neutral because a mutual friend had feelings for him that he’d recently rejected.

The second trip his flirting escalated into sexual comments. He was newly taken, so I stayed neutral and didn’t escalate.

It left this strange “unfinished business” feeling between us. I felt something was there, but I didn’t know how real it actually was.

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Trip #3

This was the first time things became more physical yet still “friendly”…long hugs, hand holding, etc. When we were alone long enough, he said:

“We could’ve done this awhile ago, but I was with my ex.”

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After Trip #3: Closure call

We had a long phone call where we admitted mutual attraction and acknowledged chemistry. But he said he wouldn’t pursue anything because of distance, risk of friend fallout, and predetermining he doesn’t see it working long term. He said it could be validation for both of us.

I accepted that and detached.

But after his behavior actually increased in small ways over socials. Then he ended up booking the trip the mutual friend & I were going on that he previously wasn’t even planning to attend. He spent way over his budget.

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Trip #4

The first night he privately checked where my head was at after our call. I told him I was good and kept it short.

We ended up escalating things physically. We set boundaries:

• trip romance only

• stop if feelings happen

• respect future relationships

But his tone kept shifting.

He’d say distancing things like:

“I have a gut feeling you’re not the one”

I ask if that’s his way of emotionally distancing himself and he said yes.

…at the same time he’s saying:

• joke about us having a house

• call me wifey material

• admire tiny things I do

• says he feels very comfortable with me

• wants me to make him more self aware (hence avoidance talk later)

• pay for my expensive Uber

• act like he wanted to see me sooner

• admit he wouldn’t be okay with me entertaining other men around him

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After Trip #4: Pursuit ?

He started calling me constantly. Super long calls. Emotional talks. He told me things like:

• “You check a lot of my boxes.”

• “I don’t normally call people like this.”

• “Whatever this turns into…”

• asked me my plans a month out so we can see each other again

Then came the first noticeable shift.

After he told our mutual friend about us (who was extremely happy), he suddenly acted more closed off on a call. But that didn’t last. He leaned back in on the next call and started future oriented conversations - kids, pets, long term compatibility, future trips.

This is when I started getting more emotionally attached without realizing.

Shift #2

• He said he hasn’t hooked up with anyone in a few months (unusual for him) → I asked “Isn’t that since our closure call?” → he claimed to not know when exactly & just “hasn’t been in the mood”

• Talked about my sexual boundary → he says “I just want to know what it feels like (with you)” → I said it’s not changing bc I’m like that with every guy

• I joke about us for our next trip → he says “Maybe I won’t be in the mood then” & says “Maybe we’re talking too much” and hangs up soon after

The same night we finalized booking our trip on a group call and he was not reacting to me much.

After that he stopped the regular calls. Kept interactions mostly in group chat jokes, although everything was directed at each other.

A couple weeks later, we finally have another long call that touched on relational topics (he leads it):

• How it’s healthy to have space from your partner → I say how I’m introverted & need to recharge alone sometimes, but not in a way that neglects my partner → He asks “Could you recharge next to someone watching a film?”

• He jokes “We can’t be on our way to divorce already”

• He says “I think I’d get on well with your dad.”

The couple weeks leading up to the next trip, we kept interactions through the group chat again.

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Trip #5

It was just us and a couple as our “group”. So not much group buffer meaning… we spent so much time alone together. He switched between caretaking and subtle put downs this whole trip. I did not feel secure anymore.

Distancing language:

• Within the first hour he was asking if I’d move to the place we were visiting → I said no → he said he’d consider it for his career

• Public joking at my expense → my shoes were uncomfy so I slowed us down → he’d point out every stranger that was looking at me crazy for it & made “jokes” about it to them too

• At a party - I went up to him and our mutual friend occasionally just to quickly say how my social battery was draining (important to know for later), then I’d return to conversing with others like nothing happened

• I asked if he’d leave an event early with me -> last minute says he was going to the afters → I was hurt/annoyed but tried not to show it → he said “you look so angry right now” + triple checks with me that I’d be okay → I say “have fun”

• He got home & brought up how mad I looked earlier → I admitted to it → he laughs and asked why → I say “we only got so much time together”

• (Last hour of trip) I say “I’m glad we did this trip” → he asks “why do you say that now?” + pivots to how he’s annoyed by the loud people near us

• Shortly after asks if I ever missed my ex → I say no → He says he missed his recent ex sometimes & how it would’ve been a good relationship but never fell in love

• After that he asks where my head was at & says he’s “good with how things are” → I say “I’m chilling” → I got quiet after → he wondered if I was okay / mad at him → I said I was just reflecting

Relational behaviors:

• Continued physical intimacy (sharing a bed, kissing, cuddling, etc)

• Paying for everything + took care of all logistics

• Repaired the next day bc of me being upset → said “It’s kinda cute how you said ‘we only got so much time together’”

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After Trip #5: Debrief Call

We had a long debrief call:

• He said he enjoyed taking care of me, cuddling me, “loved being like your man”, & how I wasn’t just “eye candy”

• Acknowledged fault & apologized for joking about me to strangers

• Honest about feeling pressure for when I ask him to go with me to get water at an event → said he missed the old dynamic of when our mutual would take care of “her friend”

• Said “see you soon” but no plans

We sent groupchat messages for a couple weeks until we gradually moved to direct messages again.

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Recent Call

Then he calls me. It was a combo of checking in, flirty/relational, and logistics:

• He says he’s got travel limits after spring → I say how that’s a shame since I was going to invite him on a spring group trip

• I mention how our last trip looked more like how we’d be day to day -> He says “but then that makes me get in my head about what a relationship would be like…” (smiles)

• He says he still hasn’t found anyone interesting that he’s met in the past year → I ask if that includes me → “Yes I find you very interesting. You don’t count since we didn’t meet in the past year. And I also just make it very clear when I’m not interested.”

• I bring up avoidance/therapy → he says “I do have those feelings. I’ll find someone who matches my lifestyle. I’m good with my fucked up brain. You’ll make a wonderful wife someday”

• I mention emotional unavailability → he says “You do not have that read on me.” → I say “Yeah maybe you’re right. Maybe I’d just need to..” → “To analyze me” → I say “No, to get to know you better”

• I ask about the next group trip timing → he says “It could be mixed genders or it could also just be a boys trip….but you wouldn’t like that, would you?” → I say no

• He asks who I’d say with → I said “with you?” → he says “You’re not staying with me. The boys will be over. What am I gonna say? Yeah here’s my mate from (state) joining too. There’s some nice bnbs around.”

I text him right after that I’d love to see him sooner but nothing makes sense for awhile → he responds flatly “No worries, back to twice a year”

The next weekend our mutual friend tells me what he told her (2d after my call with him):

• She asks about me → He says he’s “kinda over it” → says he got annoyed when I kept coming up to him at a party in the last trip → mutual friend said I came up to her just as much

• Said he felt pressured like he was being treated like my boyfriend when I asked to get water while coming up from (allegedly) shrooms too hard → he wanted the mutual friend to take care of me in that moment

• Says how he hasn’t found anyone interesting but had a date coming up that he was actually excited for

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Current Dynamic

We haven’t interacted directly since our last call. As much as he’s been silent, so have I. He knows I saw our mutual recently, so it’s possible he assumes I heard what he said and thinks I might be upset.

Our only interactions lately have been indirect:

• he sent voice memos in the group chat that I didn’t react to (I normally always do)

• I posted a story the next day showing an art piece about detachment → he viewed it quickly

• he posted in the group chat the day after that → I didn’t react

• a few days later I posted another story → he viewed that quickly too

So it doesn’t feel like he’s fully disengaged. But who knows.

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Question

Does this pattern read more like:

A) avoidant push-pull / deactivation cycles

B) genuine loss of interest

C) interest but no intention to pursue

D) something else

I’m disengaging either way for my own peace, just trying to understand the pattern.