i often have to be intoxicated to have sex with my partner

vent post but will take advice pls

we’re both bottoms/subs but i HAVE to take the lead and dom or top or we’ll never have sex. i’m pre-srs and i get so much dysphoria from it i hate it

she makes me feel guilty for not having sex very often. and then when i feel able to and i lead/dom/ or top she often tells me sex with me is not good. which isn’t shocking bc i like have to force myself. and then the cycle repeats. i do it because i love her and i don’t want to lose her but i’m getting dealt psychic damage whether we have sex or not

i know what i want sexually but i’ll never get that and it’s been getting harder and harder to cope with.

i love her so much i just hate this part of our relationship