Just found this subreddit, and I just need to vent

I hate being alone, and I hate feeling alone. Im 16 rn, and I've been daydreaming like this since i was like maybe 10-ish. It started that I would pretend to make youtube videos whenever I went to the bathroom, and the mirror was like the camera, but for the past 4-ish years, I've been pretending to be a streamer. I am extremely embarrassed about this, and tbh I never thought i'd ever tell anyone, and now im telling a whole subreddit lol.

I was a huge dream smp (an old Minecraft role play server with streamers), and I would sometimes sit and pretend to talk to them, but that was pretty rare, and i stopped doing that as i got older. But im still a streamer, in my head. Whenever i go to the bathroom, i stand infront of the mirror, talking to "my fans" about my day. I'd take 2 minutes in the bathroom if it wasn't for that goddamn stream😭

Just this evening, I was talking about how I hated feeling lonely. And just as I was talking about it, it was like a bubble just burst, and I was back to reality. Alone.

One of my most painful moments though was when I was like 12. My mental health was bad. Horrible. So, I needed to vent. To my imaginary Instagram live. During that time, I was a huge marvel fan, and i'd often pretend that I was a great new actor and everyone loved me. I lowkey thought I was in a house near the set for a marvel movie, and one of the actors had seen my live, and come into my room. They (i cannot remember who it was, or if it was a man or woman) were sitting down on my bed and was about to pull me into a hug, and then I snapped back to reality. Lowkey still haunts me to this day lol

The thing is, I did, kind of, manage to stop for a while. I knew my MD was a problem, so, i did what any decent person would; i made one last 'stream' announcing that I was quitting. Some days I could not resist sneaking in a bit of my streamer fantasy, claiming I had to sort out some drama, but it still kind of helped me. For a while.

Now im stuck in a loop; feel alone, daydream of being a famous streamer, feel happy, open up to stream about my fear of loneliness, snap back to reality, repeat.

I have started journaling though, but I love my journal, so I end up just rambling to myself anyway lmao😭

Im gonna go to sleep now. Im not even kidding I am teary eyed right now, because im so happy i found a place where I dont feel alone and where I know I wont seem as crazy as I would to other people. So thank you guys for literally just existing, I dont feel as lonely right now anymore