Absolutely devastated

I (25M) was discarded again earlier this week by my suspected pwBPD for probably the 15th+ time now in 2 years. Same old story we get in an argument - she breaks up with me faster than I can understand what’s happening, starts texting me she’s going to look at apartments the next day (and much more), deletes instagram pictures, stops sharing location.

It’s been months of constant fights and discards and I love her so much and I just could never understand why it was all so hard and confusing. I sought out therapy, started watching tons of relationship videos, attachment styles, and then I discovered this Reddit and bpd. Have read hundreds of stories here and even have listened to 75% through walking on eggshells audio book. After all this I realized I have taken a lot of abuse and accepted a lot of things I shouldn’t have.

I held strong throughout the week keeping my distance and trying to show her the damage she does by discarding and acting out towards our relationship. I was really thinking about all this information and decisions I have to make. Of course when I pulled away she began trying to reconnect. Begging me to talk, asking for hugs, telling me she just wants me to care and she doesn’t want to lose me - which is all so ironic because when I used to provide those things to her in fights she always rejected me and told me to leave her alone or she just didn’t have any affection for me.

Finally yesterday we had our first real “reconnection talk” I guess you can call it. I told her she’s crossed many many red lines, I called out her behaviors and how they damage the relationship, I told her if she wants to be in a relationship with me any longer she needs to prove to me she’s committed, loyal, safe, and that she can respect my boundaries. I told her about how I have no trust for her after all the location and pictures stuff (and other incidents she has done in the past but not cheating that I know of) and how she could be out there fucking whoever while we still live together. Of course she denied and denied and even said “I’m starting to think you cheated because you keep bringing that up”.

So obviously today is Valentine’s Day and throughout the day we were both obviously having trouble being apart and slowly started gravitating towards eachother. I figured screw it we can both use a good day and maybe this can help us start working towards repair. So we cuddles, watched some movies, got ordered some food and when she was going to her uber eats app I saw a bright white H app down in the corner. I swiped out of uber eats and there Hinge was downloaded. I was devastated. So hurt and so angry I started shaking. I got up off the couch and told her how disgusted I feel and how fucked up that is and how I knew there was something. And what do I get from her? Nothing but excuses. “But you made me feel so bad and didn’t care about my feelings the other day” “I just wanted to remind myself that there are other guys out there if we don’t stay together” “I didn’t even message anybody” “well I’m single” just a whole bunch of bullshit. Barely a sorry. I did look and she didn’t have any matches (that I know of) but that doesn’t fucking matter. And the funny part is earlier when we were talking for about 2 months in the beginning I still had hinge - she saw and that started a fight of course. But after 2 years of relationship she’s thinks it’s okay to download after 4 days and still telling me she doesn’t want to have to leave? Worst part about fucking all of this is that her profile picture was of a Polaroid she gave me that I keep in my wallet. It hurt so fucking bad. I loved that picture. It was for me.

I went against everything my brain was telling me, what the stories on this sub have taught me, my therapists advice. Fucking everything. I just can’t believe it’s really like this.