Am I feeling fear?

Hi all, I’m just trying to understand what my own emotions are about my situation. Long story short I moved back to my hometown where my ex boyfriend who SA’d me also lives. It’s a small city and the likelihood of running into him is high. It’s happened before several times but not since I’ve been back. Since moving back, I’ve felt some resurfacing anxiety along with an increase in nightmares about him. I’ve had to pull over and cry it out in my car a few times this week.

The SA occurred over a decade ago and I did all the therapy I could do about it. My ptsd symptoms have diminished to just mild depression & anxiety but I’m surprised to find them picking up again (nightmares, panic attacks, etc).

Every time I think about going to an event, I think about what if I run into him and my gut reaction is really emotionally intense dread, anger and I think…fear? I guess I’m just surprised that physiologically I am afraid of this man. I’m not afraid to walk alone at night in desolate areas but the idea of seeing him at a farmers market makes me nauseous.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping for by posting here. I think just writing it out is reminding me that what I experienced was serious and I have unresolved emotions about the assault in the context of the relationship. I’ve barely dated since him and my social life never recovered. I also struggled with school and dropped out even though I had a 4.0 before, lost interest in my hobbies and personal grooming, etc. I feel like after so much time has passed, I would have been able to rebuild myself to be like I was. Don’t get me wrong, I was a total spiraling wreck for years afterward and have been much more emotionally regulated in the past couple years but I still haven’t bounced back. Not sure when that will be.