I’m so lonely

I’m 33F. Single, live alone with my two cats. I have a very traumatic and abusive and neglectful upbringing, and have distanced myself from my family as a result. I feel duty and obligation to them, but I don’t think they have my best interests at heart. I am alone as far as family goes.

I made friends in high school, well I was adopted into a group by an extrovert while I am an introvert. But they started going down a path I didn’t agree with, smoking weed, much casual sex, not caring about much. Which is fine for them, I just don’t work that way. I got a boyfriend who didn’t really like them, I think one of my girl friends had a crush on me as she is bi and would want to hold my hand and have kisses on cheeks and once tried to start something sexual with my stepsister and I and it was really weird. I kept on and off contact with members of that friend group even recently, and that group split up, but their lives have gotten a bit scary. One was in and out of rehab and really struggling badly telling me about all the treatments she had tried, she was addicted to some pills, she said Adderall but I suspect more? She also liked to shop lift little things and cheat on cheat on boyfriends and I realized she isn’t a good person. And my other friend smokes weed all day every day and lives in a house her parents bought her and never cooks and just eats DoorDash and constantly has new people or persons over to sleep with. It just isn’t the lifestyle I want to be around.

I have dated like 4 men for multiple years over the years, been in monogamous relationships constantly since I was 15. I’m recently single after a weird relationship I had for over three years. A lot to explain, he lived an hour away in his parents unfinished basement in a lot of debt and still partying and smoking weed with friends when his job drug tested for weed, and was supposed to inherit a family farm that made no money and took a lot of work nights and weekends and the house and everything in the game was very old and needed replaced. And he didn’t ever seem to miss me or be that interested in me and didn’t have a girlfriend ever besides one for six months. And he had a record of DUI and multiple reckless driving charges and he was still driving reckless even with me in the car. He dropped out of college with $125k in private high interest debt and for a decade wasn’t too concerned with paying it off. Anyways I’m single now and lonely. I want someone to cook for and cuddle with and love. I want a cozy home with someone. I’m not sure I want kids, because it seems like a lot and I want a good partner but I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m lonely. I just want to love and be loved.