Olympics, Schmoelympics

Alright, when I was a kid, I freaking loved the Olympics. Fantastic sports, the competition, everything. I wanted to be an athlete for a little bit during my life.

Now with that said, I want to ask you guys, *points at stomach* DOES THIS LOOK LIKE OLYMPIC MATERIAL TO YOU?! My love of that event came from a video game! That’s like calling a donut as healthy as a salad! Video games are like the antithesis of being an athlete. And if I’m Olympic material, you might as well call John Goodman “Shawn White!”

The main highlight for me was the Olympic Village. The community, the daily life, the “culture.” You noticed the quotations as I said culture? We’ll get to that.

When I was a kid, I was told that the Olympic village was like a hotel for athletes. Being on the spectrum, I have intense interests. And for some reason, I was just obsessed with hotels. Like when I saw one of those things while driving, I’d yank the steering wheel, drive in the opposite lane, throw myself out the window despite the door being unlocked, and take off my shoes like I was Moses with the burning bush. I’d just be like: “PRAISE THE MESSIAH! We’ve reached the holy ground.” My parents are neurotypical and let’s just say, they don’t understand me. They’re: “Dude, that’s a Super 8…And is that a drunkard laying in his own vomit?”

To put things simply, I loved hotels. And finding that Olympic Villages were hotels for athletes made my eyes pop and my mouth drop like a cartoon character.

I visited one from the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics in high school and I can say that calling that place a hotel is like calling McDonald’s fine cuisine! You can almost smell the Mormonism leaking into the village. I bet Sarah Hughes waltzed into the village and thought “I came here to train, not hear another lecture about ‘alone time’ being a crime against god!”

Remember when I said culture in quotations? That’s because when the Olympics comes to the states, all that community goes down the toilet. I mean have you seen how we run that shit compared to other countries? We got the Tokyo Olympics having a bunch of historical references and Mario, Paris has the Eiffel Tower lit up with the Mona Lisa.

What’s the highlight of our events in the land of red, white, and blue? “Come experience the homeless guys smoking cat piss, Hollywood stars using toilet plungers as bongs, and cholesterol levels rising as fast as our unemployment rate. What, you trained four years for us to provide a show? What are we? Toledo, Spain? We’ve got a Toledo here, alright and you’re not going to like it!”

Wait till the athletes see Los Angeles in 2028. AKA, Uncle Sam’s sweaty crotch. Covered in a diaper made of gold and diamonds. You think it’s one beautiful place until you see that shit, you yanked down that gilded barrier and see disappointment. I’m just imagining all the people on the planes being like: “Yeah! Can’t wait to earn some medals! Let’s make our country proud!” And then when they see what a piece of rumpled foreskin that city is, they’ll go “We’ve made an enormous mistake.” The village is literally a Motel 6, the torch is ignited by a naked squatting homeless woman lighting it with her farts, and the national anthem is changed to: “Oh say can you see…Our country is now FUCKED!” I’d hate to see what the events would look like. Javelin throws are replaced with giant fentanyl needles, the 100 meter dash is just running away from a drug addict looking for money, swimming is just wading through beer vats, the hammer throw is tossing bags of garbage into an IHOP dumpster, and of course, my favorite event: the triple jump is literally over the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge. So you can plummet to your death after wasting your career.

Speaking of which, American Olympian sounds like an oxymoron considering the fact that we eat deep fried pizza daily! I bet the entire American Olympic team is just staring at me and going, “Yeah, it’s completely true. Touché, man.”

You know what’s also weird, the Olympics used to have the arts as a competition. Sculpting, painting, music, and so on. I’m actually glad they stopped that. You have no idea of the weird shit we’d create today. Just look at deviantart! You think we’d make the Mona Lisa? No! The judges would see Joseph Stalin riding a t-Rex holding uzis with the Sailor Scouts behind his back.

And of course what I’d enter: a picture of Donkey Kong…but with a ginormous penis. I mean, FREAKING HUGE. Like so large, you’d mistake it for a third leg, dragging on the ground. Judges walk up to me, and I’ll say: “One gold medal, please.”

Few years later, you see that glorious image in the Guinness book of world records, alongside Michael Phelps. Don’t worry, he’d be ok with it! It’s not like he’s in the audience like: “Dial back the dick jokes!” A painting so magnificent, it would be in the Olympics Hall of fame and people would cry over it. Staring…at a gorilla’s, fat, floppy shlong.

Not to mention the literature section. Hope you like reading Sonic X SpongeBob smut fanfiction nine hundred times! In hindsight, getting paid to read bad fanfictions would be awesome.