Any expats?

My mom (65F) was diagnosed 4–5 years ago. I have been living abroad for 10 years, and my dad is her caregiver. I am still in denial… part of it is that I live abroad and can visit only once in a while Also, I am someone who grieves later; often I feel rather numb when things happen. For example, when my dogs died, I was numb and didn’t feel a thing. It was years later that I faced my own fear and allowed myself to be vulnerable.

My dad keeps telling me to prepare for the end, whether it’s her worst stage of memory loss or her actual passing. I am not ready. I had a very challenging, difficult, and unique relationship with my mom—almost codependent, yet mildly toxic at the same time. I was never a happy person, and I blamed my parents a lot for that. But deep in my heart, I love them, and I don’t know what to do.

I could call her more often, but honestly, I don’t know how much she can remember. I hate myself so much for not trying my best to create a happy memory when I saw her last time, when her cognitive abilities were somewhat better. When I was leaving for the airport, she said, “Sorry you didn’t have a good time.” I’m just not sure how I can live with the fact that I didn’t try my best. Sorry for the incoherent writing.