Am I a sociopath or what

Warning:long ass post, you don’t wanna read “allat?” Scroll, it’s not something that can be addressed with a tldr

I am scared I am one, i would absolutely despise and feel like shit knowing I have a condition that makes me incapable of caring or bonding with other people due to the lack of empathy

But aside from that, why am I scared you may ask? I’ll tell you here and explain my story a bit, so we can look at the possible causes

I have asd, this will be relevant later, and it could explain some behaviors (?)

\-when I was 7 rarely, out of curiosity I threw small pebbles to say, chickens to see how they react, then there weee my cats when I was 11, I always loved them and petted them, sometimes squeezing them was not enough because they were cute, and I had a really bad way to express that, sometimes I threw them on the bed, their faces were just funny, most of the time, I was petting them and they were purring while doing so, they never fled away from me, I wasn’t hurting them badly or stuff like that to the point they were terrified, it was a rough play I had, I had cats since then and now that I am 19, I stopped doing that for a while, or at least, nowhere near as the same, since I was 14

\-I cared a lot about people as a kid and I know for a fact I had empathy, but after a certain point, I didn’t, I am indifferent to my mother when she cries after we argue, if anything I get annoyed, this is the main reason that makes me terrified of being one I didn’t care about my mother crying, since I was 9

When I went to elementary school I was either framed or yelled at, always, sometimes I skipped school because my teacher was forcing me to eat lunch (she would call my mother if I didn’t, and she would get fucking pissed) and I faked being sick to avoid the days she was with us at lunch, but here is the thing I did something slightly off? Teacher yelled at me, if the mother was being called, she would literally start fucking crying and even yelling in the car, after she had a parent teacher school interview that was once every 3 or 4 months, she would start throwing or breaking shit at home, she didn’t harm me, but I heard it from the other rooms, she was geniuely screaming my name too, I was terrified as a kid I tried to reason many times but it didn’t work

It happened at middle school too, but worse, classmates bullying me as well, while going unpunished, and no matter how much I tried reasoning with the teacher, they always went unpunished while I was framed as a fucking dick for “reacting” pair that with the mother situation and more frequent calls, but this time, for stuff I didn’t do or things that were extremely small, like being distracted a bit caused me to go through that shit again and the mother being called, I was once framed and falsely accused of STABBING A GIRL’S FOREARM WITH A FUCKING COMPASS, I didn’t do it, and it became a famous thing that I got framed for at the time, but they blamed me for that they didn’t listen and still called my fucking parents

What I did was simple, a girl was always bothering me and discouraging me and I pushed her arm a bit away, and God forbid I had a compass apparently on another(?) don’t remember why they thought I did that, but that’s a FAAAR cry compared TO LITERALLY STABBING THE FUCKING FOREARM, I grew exponentially more and more pissed, with more anger issues then I had before, even as a kid I had them, but guess what

As a kid I was chill, to make me angry, you had to bother me, I was easy to tease, but I wasn’t starting fights or angry as my own

A kid, but between 1-6 I mean, because the arguing and everything became intense enough for me to say “fuck you” to my mother when I was just 7

but at middle school after 1/2 years of extra constant shit like that I remember that controlling anger was geniuely impossible, while yes, I could have limited it, I could have not controlled it, even against my mother, fear and sadness, turned to pure anger, I was insulting her, and I am not talking about the classic mid ass “I hate you” I am talking about heavy shit, because she wanted to start arguments many times out of the blue, and always angry or shouting, so many times, I blew up at her face because of that pair that with school stress and repressed anger, and you get a disaster recipe, and this is with the very worst issue and worst characteristic of my mother

She

Never

Admits

When

She

Is

Wrong

And this will be relevant later, OOOOOOH if it will ;)

High school, was the most horrendous period for 3 years, I was suicidal back then, and I also had the pressure of the future, and my mother (rightfully so tbh) asking what I would do in the future, and to this day, I’d rather die then work all my life

But when these schools arguments were happening, I tried reasoning, when she did something wrong I tried arguing, without swears or anything, even when I was a middle schooler, while yes, indeed I was insulting her heavily, that was after a year or two, because before I could blow up but not that much, I was trying to rationalize and explain my mother why I thought I was right or why she was wrong and she always, and I mean ALWAYS ignored me \*yeah yeah you are right\* said in sarcastic tones, or saying \*yeah I suck as a mother\* while being sarcastic why?

Because

She

Will

Never

Admit

She

Is

Wrong

You could feel she didn’t change her mind and was not willing to listen, framing me as wrong and I was the motherfucker yet again! So to get her attention sometimes, I said really bad things, or else she would be completely shut

to me that \*self hate\* was simply her expressing the fact that we were wrong and she was right, and pissed with us it was \*sarcastic\* self hate and this will bite her in the ass and I am glad of it or, I don’t know if it will

In high school this was amplified, and she kept going with her behavior and I did too

Before you ask, no she wasn’t a full on piece of shit, there is more of a gray area here, she was stressed at work, angry with school and a shit situation that makes her impulsive, I played games with her, I watched tv and we had good moments, but this is too much of a roller coaster to be a healthy relationship anyways

But the father, oh god, not only he was not listening he had a bossy attitude and EVEN IF ME OR MY MOTHER NEVER DID ANYTHING, he would geniuely reply with a shit tone, pissed for no reason, so he could be a factor for both of us maybe being so angry

But seriously, she always gets pissed by everything, cats in the house, noises, Christ I can’t stand it, distracts herself (this makes me pissed, now because my anger control is non existent, so when I am talking to her and she is distracted, I am visibly annoyed, but she still ends up screaming)

But overall, people having double standards, assholes and me being framed caused me to not care about people’s circumstances no matter how bad

When I was 14 someone insulted me, and I replied by insulting her mother, then she revealed \*sad naruto ass theme playing\* boo hoo, her mommy was dead

And?

Did anyone give a shit about my circumstances when I was angry, when I tried to reason, no one used used logic never had a “to be fair moment” no one did everyone was justified at doing wrong to me as long as it’s me who gets hurt, because hey! I am the asshole, since I was a motherfucking kid I was ALWAYS AT FAULT

Don’t want people to insult you or the ones you care about?

THEN DONT BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FIRST, FUCK I WOULD HAVE DOUBLED DOWN ON IT! YOU THINK YOU ARE JUSTIFIED FUCKING WITH ME BECAUSE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED? COPE! WOMP FUCKING WOMP!

Do not insult others if you don’t want to be treated like shit!

Due to this, I am extremely sensitive and brutal when it comes to things being unfair, framing, being assholes for no reason, justifying bad behavior to others when it’s not me

This didn’t help, at all, I see my mom’s crying as martyrdom i want her to fucking understand that I can be right, and I can’t do it

How do I know she is not being sarcastic? How do I know if that “sorry” is geniuine and not made to make it stop, but with you still thinking you are right?

She wants me to “change and get better about anger” but she never thinks about doing that herself, hypocrisy at its finest, I always had to be the one to be sorry, I didn’t hear my mom saying that for years (at least, a sorry I knew was geniuine) I don’t know what she even means anymore, and when she cries, I see that as martyrdom, or anger directed at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t feel pity I am just pissed and annoyed when that happens

“I work for 14 hours, I do this I do that…”

I get it and guess what? I never said you don’t work hard, and this is also due to my father that doesn’t do shit or pays child support, she has to do all by herself because the angry asshole doesn’t help

But that doesn’t justify you being always angry and always wanting to argue, I was never justified when i was angry because of a bad day, or I had to do a lot of stuff, or for whatever happened to me, never, but people always did with you

I

Don’t

Care

I won’t justify you or anyone anymore, I am tired, and I don’t care about your tears, they are just noises to my head, and victimism or unawareness at best, and i can’t reason

I am extremely sensitive about any thing that has sides even normal arguments now

Black washing and white washing? You better treat those as equal because I’d see it as a double standard if you don’t and that pisses me the fuck off, no matter what sides

LGBT? Depends, but you better not call me names, or are actually willing to listen, or else you remind me of my mother

This goes for a lot of arguments but I geniuely hate anything that has sides of “justifies”

I don’t hate my mom guterally, again we have good moments, but this situation was created by a horrible one, she always said that she defended me at school, which sometimes is true, but I didn’t see it, I didn’t see you telling my dad he was wrong for treating me like that, you are just telling me, I never saw anyone holding me at the same level

Maybe it’s something with certain behaviours? I don’t treat friends like this, nor certain parents, and I didn’t care about giving them gifts, I don’t care about family photos or stuff like that, never did, I found the forced smile to be awful if anything

I like my uncle, but I didn’t give him that shirt with that picture of us printed my mom told me to give it to him when he cried of joy at Christmas I didn’t feel happy, but embarrassed and “highlited” I didn’t care, I wanted to play games and the only thing I know about, is that I will soon hear people chewing around me in a cluttered table in which I would hate to be in

Again I like my uncle and in fact I would never tell him this, I feel like it would break his heart, I like him geniuely as a person, but I am not thinking about gifts or things like that I confide in him stuff like the POCD I had and the ASD before the diagnosis

“Wasn’t your mom aware about your ASD?”

Yesn’t when I was 4 I was staring at bottles and had weird behaviors, she brought me to a doctor, and they said I couldn’t be asd because I was “intelligent” or I could have communicated well

Of course my mom didn’t know much about asd we are talking about 15 years ago too I just got the diagnosis now, and now, at 19 it came out, but there was no program nothing, I had to simply live with it undiagnosed

My mom did sincerely, I could tell tell me she was sorry, she could relate to the stuff I have been through, again there is a gray area here, there is no full on piece of shit, the only stinker is the situation

I don’t know why I am like this, why don’t I care if my mom cries, and I disregard feelings? am I a sociopath?