my ed is ruining the one thing i want the most

okay this is kinda messy but i just need advice from people who get it. also im (17f)

so ive been a competitive rock climber for a few years and i love it more than anything . like genuinely it means a lot to me. but the problem is my eating disorder keeps messing everything up and i’ve quit climbing multiple times over the past few years because of it.

every time i start climbing consistently again, i get super anxious about food, my weight, and strength to weight ratio. then i start overthinking everything i eat, get scared of meals, underfuel without even fully meaning to, and then eventually i binge and feel horrible.

and then the guilt makes me want to either restrict, overexercise, or just quit climbing again because i feel like i “ruined everything.”

i even went to treatment (IOP) when i was 15 for anorexia and honestly that was one of the better times in my life, but now i feel like i forgot all the coping skills and i’m trying to manage this on my own while still being active.

this month especially has been really bad with binge episodes. today i climbed, was scared of dinner, went to a family meal, and ended up binging and now i feel awful and like i should go to the gym to compensate even though i know that probably makes the cycle worse.

the worst part is i’m not just worried about appearance, i’m also genuinely scared about my performance and injuries. i’ve already had a shoulder injury before and i don’t want to lose climbing again because of my ED.

another layer to this is the gym. the gym makes me feel really confident and honestly incredible, but i’m starting to realize it’s mostly because i feel in control there. everything is structured and predictable.

the problem is i avoid things that make me feel “out of control,” like vacations or plans around meals. i’ll literally avoid going places if it’s around a time people would eat. and then when something unplanned happens (like a family dinner), i spiral way harder.

climbing also feels mentally harder than the gym for me because it’s unpredictable. at the gym i know exactly what i’m doing and it feels controlled and “safe.” with climbing, every session is different and that unpredictability makes my food anxiety and performance thoughts way worse.

the ironic part is the gym feels safer, but climbing is what actually matters more to me

i just honestly don’t know what to do