What the hell do I do

I’m struggling to understand whether my marriage is repairable or if I need to leave, and I’m looking for outside perspective.

My husband [35M] and I [30F] have had a very difficult relationship for several years. For a long time before anything else happened, I experienced significant emotional neglect. He was largely emotionally unavailable, disengaged, and not present in the relationship. Largely in part to a video game addiction. I carried most of the emotional labor, parenting responsibilities, and household responsibilities alone. I repeatedly asked for connection, effort, and support, and eventually reached a point of emotional exhaustion. My breaking point came when I told him I was suicidal and was brushed away.

In October , I told him clearly that I felt done and wanted to leave the marriage. I stayed anyway because he repeatedly threatened self-harm if I left. During that period, I felt emotionally trapped, isolated, and disconnected, and like I was being forced to make effort.

About 90 days ago, I had an emotional affair. I’ve been honest about it and take responsibility for that choice. I understand that it hurt him deeply. However, the affair occurred after years of emotional neglect and after I had already stated I wanted to leave the marriage. I told a long time friend I had feelings for them. That was wrong and I have no excuse.

Since he found out about the affair, the situation has escalated significantly. He insists that because of the affair, I now “owe” him reassurance, emotional closeness, affection, and patience, and that my lack of emotional availability pushes him to react badly. He points to the last ~60 days, during which he’s been extremely attentive — doing all the housework, acts of service, planning dates, focusing almost entirely on me — as proof that he has changed. While I appreciate the effort, it feels transactional, and when I don’t reciprocate emotionally in the way he expects, he becomes panicked, angry, or aggressive. He will spiral over emojis not being included in my messages.

Over the last few months, arguments have escalated into physical behavior. He has grabbed me, squeezed me, shoved me, pushed me down, restrained me, blocked me from leaving rooms, yanked me off a bed, and recently sat on top of me during an argument. He insists this is not abuse because he hasn’t hit me and says I push him to that point by saying hurtful things, withdrawing emotionally, or not reassuring him enough.

He has also threatened to break my phone to stop me from calling for help, threatened to stalk me if I leave, threatened to kill the person I had the emotional affair with, and frequently threatens suicide when I try to set boundaries or leave. After these incidents, he often becomes extremely apologetic and “super sweet,” acting as though everything is fine. He has told me it doesn’t matter what laws are in place to keep him from me, he’ll find a way to make sure I know he’s watching.

Most recently, an argument began when he yelled at our three-year-old. When I asked him to do better, it escalated into physical restraint and force toward me. This has made me feel unsafe, but I keep doubting myself because he can also be very loving, kind, and attentive at times.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, managing his emotional state, and “fawning” to keep things calm, even though internally I feel emotionally empty and done. I’m terrified of leaving because of how he reacts and because of his repeated threats of self-harm.

I love him and don’t want to ruin his life, but I’m afraid and don’t know whether real repair is possible or if staying is just making things worse.

I’m looking for honest perspectives — especially from people who have been in long-term marriages or reconciliation situations — about whether this sounds repairable, or if leaving is the safer choice.

I keep gaslighting myself into thinking this isn’t that bad, and I deserve it for my indiscretion.