Long distance relationship & BPD

Hello! I am looking for people with similar experiences!

I have been with my partner for almost a year. We started from long distance, as we met online. I am in my 30s but it is my first relationship. Before this I would have strong attachments to people, but if they would have romantic feelings to me - I would run away, feel disgusted almost.

My partner is amazing - I have never met anyone who is able to love and accept me this way. It’s honestly jarring. They are kind, smart, funny and I find them very attractive.

But since we are LDR I feel very up and down with my feelings. From early on I was constantly doubting if I love them or not. When we are in person I can get tense if I find them doing something annoying. I am very easily triggered by anything that evokes an overstimulated and negative emotion. We are still finding what casual activities can we do together and sometimes when we do something new, or something we haven’t experienced often (like going to the museum or shopping etc) - I get very tense, anxious and then overstimulated.

Lately I have been triggered just by them telling me a story. It’s been going on for a month and I find it hard to let it go - if their story is boring or they tell it in an annoying way - I start feeling insane. Often this ends up with me crying and trying to break up, but not being able to, because there is part of me that is so so deeply attached to them and wants to date them. When I get triggered it’s usually because they messed up some logistical plan and made me feel like they are unreliable and childish, or are in a different mood than me and can’t match it easily.

It’s very very very confusing. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what means incompatibility. I can’t tell if it’s purely that. Of course we have differences and unique rhythms, but I am not sure what difference is healthy and which is not. When we spend time in a more relaxed, low stakes way - I tend to feel good and connected. We have similar passions, same values and intellectual pursuits. We make each other laugh a lot.

I think it’s specifically a dynamic that is created by LDR?

I don’t feel jealousy or fear of them leaving me, since they are super devoted and always assure me they love me. They are incredibly safe and emotionally committed. I usually tend to be a very jealous person when i feel the threat of abandonment but with them it’s the opposite. I fear that they love me too much, I fear that I don’t love them enough.

Since BPD is so commonly about jealousy and fear of your partner leaving you - what does it mean that for me it’s flipped in this case?

Does anyone have similar experiences and how do you understand them?