I can't get off without thinking about my trauma

My college boyfriend was abusive. He used to make me beg for his abuse, make me beg him to hit me in the face. He would make me take anything in my holes, his favorite was to fuck my pussy and ass with beer bottles. Whenever he had a party, he'd tie me up somewhere and let his friends fuck me. He liked to tell them that I was a disgusting and dirty slut and they'd need to wear a condom. After they came, he'd have them drop the condoms on my body and then later make me suck all the cum out of them. I had to constantly thank him for treating me like this, and remembering all of it gets me so wet.