Maybe divorcing???

So my wife and I have been married for 3.5 years now.

I got sucked into her spell way to fast and we got married within 4 months of knowing each other (I know stupid)

They really have a good way of making you feel like complete shit, there’s no way around it, I’ve been brainwashed for so long, they never really enjoyed me or loved me, I was just benefits. Constant emotional abuse and screaming and yelling about her feelings and emotions, I can’t ever talk about my own, one time my grandma died and instead of comforting me and going to the funeral, she got drunk and high and almost drowned at a lake. I’ve given up so much, I allowed so much, cheated on 4 times, and is actively pursuing a relationship with someone else. The other day it all hit me, we got into an argument idk remember what it was about but it was something to do with her actively throwing me out while inviting ither men in. Long story short she told me she never loved me I was useful to have around, then said I hope you kill yourself because if I died all her problems would disappear. And then she proceeded to get in my face and shove me to provoke a reaction out of me. I didn’t give her one, but since then it’s been slowly easier to let go, but why do I or excuse me we, why do we put up with so much and let it happen until it eventually explodes. And the crazy part is I feel like in a week or 2 she’ll notice a shift in me and try to per-sue me back, and idk if I’m ready for that tbh, I still love her so much, she just doesn’t want anything to do with me