Venting about sex life

Trigger warning: TMI sex talk. I’m writing this just to vent since I need an outlet. I’m 31, female. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, I love him deeply and have never felt more like myself than with him.

At the start of our relationship, he told me he had an issue with his penis, related to childhood trauma. It was a combination of hypersensitivity, foreskin problems, trauma, phobia and OCD. I fully understood him and we even went to therapy together.

After 13 years of him doing therapy and exposure, the situation has improved but still not to a noticeable level. Without going into too many details, he can’t use a condom, can’t try other positions other than missionary, can’t go too fast/hard. This is shattering to him and really hurts his self-confidence, and I always do my best to help him and reassure him that I love him no matter what and always will (which is true). On the other hand, he is great at taking care of my sexual needs without relying on penetration alone.

But. As much as I keep telling him I’m satisfied with the way things are sexually, I’m starting to feel as this is a partial lie to myself. Lately I’ve been starting to feel guilty because I’m wondering what it feels like to try different positions, different movements, more spontaneity and physicality. I feel dirty and wrong, I love him so much and at the same time I wonder if I’ll ever be negatively impacted by a sex life that is satisfying when it concerns my own orgasm but not as much when it comes to variety, fun and trying out new things. I’ve started to look at other guys, not out of attraction, but wondering how they have sex, how they move, how they touch their partner.

This is the first time I’ve ever worked this through in my mind, and tears are feeling my eyes as I type. I feel like a horrible wife. I won’t pressure him with more exposure and therapy because he’s very impacted by his trauma and I couldn’t stand making him miserable about this. He’s already feeling miserable enough. So talking to him about it is out of the question, he would just let himself feel even more like a failure. I just wish I could find the right push for him on his healing journey. It’s been a very slow progress and sometimes I wonder if he’ll only reach healing when we’ll be too old to care anymore.

To be honest, I feel like he has slowed down with exposure because he feels like he’ll have me no matter what. Whether he heals or not, he’ll always have my love. He knows I’ll be there and always have his back, so naturally he’s let the hard work slide a bit knowing he won’t lose me either way. But could I lose myself a bit?