question for those who have survived an addiction of any kind

i’ve been trapped in an active addiction for the past 5 years. blew all of the money i have, and the only reason why i’m not homeless is bc my parent has allowed me to move back home with him. i am struggling so hard with breaking the cycle of 1. overthinking and self flagellating over how much time and money i have wasted over the years and how i have completely thrown out the years of my early twenties to b an addict —> 2. returning to self destructive behaviors bc i don’t love myself enough to try to recover for the hundredth time (i actually hate myself more than anything in the entire world. not sure how to fix this either) . the shame and guilt and humiliation are destroying me. i feel like i don’t deserve to recover. and my addiction has become a sort of emotional outlet/ device i return to to cope with difficult emotions