i think he might die soon

i deleted a post i made here a while ago about my dad trying to hit my 7 year old brother and me defending my brother, my mom getting mad i defended him etc.

well, this morning at around 5:30, he went to the ER by himself and frantically called me and my mom. she went and after some testing his lungs are full of fluid, he has a cardiogenic pulmonary edema. he’s never taken care of his health EVER, he’s type 2 diabetic and has some kind of heart issue. he’s 55 and i honestly can’t see him making it past 60.

i don’t feel sad. i don’t feel bad. i want him out of my life. he’s gone out of his way to make my life worse. my childhood stories are filled with “my dad was super mad at me this one time, my dad was yelling at me, my dad was yelling at my mom, my dad called me a stupid bitch, my dad called my mom a stupid bitch,” etc etc. he’s punched my mom in the back of her neck while she was holding me as an infant. he’s thrown my sister (1 at the time) against a car while she was sitting in a shopping cart. hes fed me drain cleaner when i was a toddler and refused to let my mom drive me to the hospital. hes thrown plates and pots of food at my sister. he’s physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially abused my family for as long as i can remember.

i feel neutral about him dying. i feel like a weight is off my shoulders. im only concerned about the financial aspect. his disability checks help our family a lot (he’s deaf) and if we lose his checks it would really injure our financial situation.

i feel like a psychopath for being so detached. my dad might die and im only concerned about money. but i’ve never really loved him, and he’s never really loved me. i dont really know who i can say this to without getting judged. i think you guys might understand what im trying to say