Afraid to be diagnosed

I (24f) started seeing a new therapist a few months ago. On our first appointment, she had asked if I’m autistic. While I’ve never been diagnosed, I’ve always suspected that I have some traits, especially since I have family members who are, but I’ve never felt compelled to look further into it. 

She suggested I check out the website “Embrace Autism” and take some of the quizzes they have. I took the Aspie Quiz (scored 156), RBQ-2A (52), the CAT-Q (scored 156), and a few others. When I figured out how to read the scores, I was really surprised that they were as high as they were. 

Ever since then, I’ve been researching more and more about autism and masking, and it’s like looking into a mirror I’ve always avoided. Almost everything that I hate about myself are traits of autism. The way I can’t sit still, my speech impediment, how sensitive I am to everything and how easily I get overwhelmed, that I move and process things slower, how there are times where I can’t talk, how I pull out my hair and pick at my skin till it scars, etc. Everything that I’ve been told is wrong and weird and annoying. Everything that I desperately try to hide away until I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed that I shutdown the moment I’m alone. 

It’s been about 5 months since I’ve started this journey, and I want to get an assessment, but I’m terrified. Not about the diagnosis specifically, but what it means for who I am, especially with my family. I want to unmask and be myself, but I’m scared they’ll see it as “losing” the person they’ve always known, or see me as a worse version of who I used to be. 

I know my family loves and cares for me deeply, as I do them, but I’m scared they love the mask more than me. That they’ll see the real me as too high maintenance, too dependent and broken. Even if I got diagnosed, there’d be family members I’d have to keep it secret from or else I’d be ridiculed and shamed every time I saw them. To those I would want to tell, I know it’d still be a long, painful process of unmasking

The only one I’ve told is my sister, who I’m the closest to, and I’ve tried unmasking more around her, but it’s so difficult. I feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable, so every judgement or slight hurts so much more, and every conversation feels like I’m being annoying. 

But then there are moments where it does feel better. Where she’s more patient if I’m taking a long time to do something, where she tries to yell less when she sees it bother me, or she doesn’t call me weird when I stim. It’s a slow process with more hurt than good, but it’s acceptance for parts of myself I’ve always thought we’re unlovable. 

But I don’t know if I’m cut out to keep fighting this fight - to get the diagnosis and make it real and advocate for myself and all of that. When I’ve spent my whole life desperate to be accepted, it’s hard for me to go against that. I keep thinking about how much easier it would be for everyone if I keep hiding it. Keep the mask on that people like, even if I know it’s not the real me they love. 

There’s a part of me what wants to go back before I started this journey. It’s so much more difficult to keep up appearances now, and I feel myself pulling away from those I love. I’m so unhappy with my life and who I pretend I am. I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to live any other way. 

I don’t know what to do. The only path I see with a light at the end of the tunnel is if I get an assessment, but I’m scared what those results will mean for me and my relationships with my loved ones. 

If anyone has any advice/personal experiences, I’d really appreciate it. Just knowing I’m not alone and that there’s someone out there that can understand means more to me than I can ever express.