I can’t do this

I’m just really pathetic I hate myself I keep saying I’ll kill myself but I never do it but I want to by end of this year maybe after my GCSEs because I don’t wanna be a failure. My family hates me and friends prob do too I’m black fat and ugly and average in life I won’t make it far. I have bad thoughts about incest and other weird things the world would be better without me. I’m sorry I only self harm but I should do worse things to myself but I’m too scared I hate that I was born and existence I hate my life.