(kinda nsfw) my (25f) boyfriend (35m) of 2.5 years still lives with his ex (26f), and when I visit I sleep on the couch while they share a bed, I told him we need to talk, how do I approach this?

First of all, English isn’t my native language, so bear with me.

Context: I (25F) met my boyfriend (32M) at work. We worked together at McDonald’s and after a work party in November 2022 we kind of clicked. We started talking more, going on walks after work, flirting, kissing, talking about everything and nothing. Simple, casual.

In summer 2023 we started seeing each other regularly. It was basically a classic FWB situation – but always at my place, never his. I had a feeling he was hiding something, especially when he once accidentally called me by a different (but similar) female name from my language. I didn’t dig. It was supposed to be innocent fwb and I already had enough drama in my life, because at that time I was ending my previous relationship (it was open, so no cheating involved, but the guy was unhinged and after a year wanted to propose even though we didn’t even live together). Side note – I still live with my female roommate (25F). It was a dark time for me overall, I got into drugs for a while, but I’m clean now.

Anyway, at some point he admitted he had a girlfriend (26F) and they had been together for 7 years. He said he had mentioned me to her (clearly without details), and after some talk between them they broke up. He and I got serious before he officially broke up with her, though – I wasn’t fully aware of the whole situation.

The beginning was hard. I felt like “the other woman.” He kept assuring me I wasn’t, but you know, it’s hard not to feel that way. He wanted me to meet her, saying she’s an important part of his life. When I asked what would happen if we didn’t like each other, he didn’t directly say he would break up with me, but he heavily implied it.

At the start he promised he’d move out of their shared apartment within 6 months. Surprise surprise – 2.5 years later we’re basically at the same point.

Context part 2: About six months ago we had a serious “relationship foundations” talk. It was bothering me that he wasn’t really putting in effort. Whenever we met, I was the one going to his place. Idk if I should even say his - whenever we talk he refers to "them" and "their place" and that "we" will be doing something (as in the three of us).

He rarely takes me on dates – I can count on one hand how many proper dates we’ve had. I once told him I’d like to get flowers. I had to bring it up multiple times and eventually he brought me a tulip for Women’s Day – but casually added that he bought one for his ex too. Of course he did.

He constantly compares me to her. If I talk about work, he says, “Oh, my ex has that too.” If I buy something, he says, “Oh, she just bought the same thing.” It drives me insane.

We also talked about living together. He suggested the three of us could live together “for financial reasons.” I said I’m not moving in as a trio and that I expect more commitment from him. After some progress (he started showing up more consistently overall), I agreed to at least consider the three-of-us idea at some point. I actually like his ex – she’s great and I kind of consider her a friend.

Fast forward to now – I’m not even sure I should be with him at all. The progress after that last talk feels gone and it’s like we’re back to square one.

It’s all about small things and slowly shifting boundaries.

First it was 6 months to move out. Now it’s “maybe we’ll all live together” after almost 3 years.

At the beginning, as a spicy thing, we used to send each other porn art (like drawings and stuff). Now he sends me specific porn models he likes. Wanting to be understanding and “cool,” I even agreed to mutual masturbation to videos of this one specific model he likes because she “reminds him of me when I was younger.” I ended up climaxing mostly on my own (he was caressing my thigh and stuff like that), and of course I helped him finish with oral.

Since we’re on that topic – we don’t actually have penetrative sex. In all this time, he has gone down on me once, but I give him oral basically every single time we hook up. I’ve brought it up multiple times, asking if something is wrong, if he doesn’t like something about me, if it’s hygiene, anything. He eventually said it’s kind of a kink for him that we do things “through clothes.” But with me going down on him regularly, it feels one-sided. He does make me orgasm regularly, so that’s not the issue – it’s the imbalance of effort that bothers me.

Once I asked if he considers me his best friend. He said no – his ex is.

When I visit, they sleep together in the bed because they “both have back problems,” and I sleep on the couch. He's aware it bothers me, because one time I aked him, if he's aware that I agree to sleep on the couche as a courtesy and he said yes and still insisted she (the ex) sleeps in bed with him. They also still share finances.

He’s jealous of her new boyfriend. He once even “joked” that he’s scared to come to my place after she subtly told him she wanted the apartment to herself for a weekend. He apologized afterward, but yk, the damage was done.

All of this hit me especially hard yesterday. It was Valentine’s Day and he called me (he’s currently in London, so we couldn’t meet). He wished me Happy Valentine’s Day, but when I asked if he’d be my Valentine, he joked “no,” then quickly said yes, and then started bragging that he flirted with some girl there. There was more to the conversation, obviously, but that was the moment that made me spiral.

Overall, he is a great guy in many ways. We share a lot of interests and when we spend time together it’s genuinely great. I told him we need to have a serious talk, but I’m not sure how to approach it because I feel like I kind of let things get to this point – like I enabled this behavior. I love him, I truly do, but I feel like he feels comfortable in this whole situation and that's why he doesn't wanna change anything. Idk if I should maybe use an ultimatum on him (something like move out of there or we're over)? I don't wanna beg for basic relationship stuff, but at the same time I don't wanna lose him :(