I just need to vent

I just need somewhere to put this, so it doesn’t sit in my body. You don’t have to read.

My narc mother took my pillow again to use under her butt to cushion herself on her chair. She knows this bothers me, because we’ve had conversations about it, but she always “forgets” (I know she doesn’t actually, but as soon as she says those words she gets away with everything.)

It’s not my sleeping pillow, but it’s a really important pillow to me. It’s the pillow that I put my plate on when I eat dinner on the couch. I can’t eat at a table without being extremely anxious, because when I was a teenager she put me in one of those refeeding clinics that treat eating disorders, the ones where they force to to sit at a table and eat no matter what (no emotional support, no empathy, no understanding) or they threaten you with a feeding tube; they make you eat food you don’t like, foods that make you feel sick, they make you eat even if your stomach is on fire with pain. I was also physically and psychologically abused at this clinic and the woman doing it would stare at me during meals to frighten me, making fun of me when I cried.

So I don’t eat at a table, and having the same pillow to eat with brings me comfort. I know it’s will sound silly to most people, but it helps me and that’s what matters. I’m also autistic so I can grow very attached to certain objects.

She’s had her ass on it the whole afternoon. Farting on it. She’s “been so constipated lately”, she’s had several far- to- detailed conversations at me about it the past week.

She hated my pillow. Complains it’s ugly, it’s “old”, it doesn’t match the decor (it does, I made sure after she tossed my last pillow when she redecorated last time).

I’m just really upset and I know I can’t react because that’s what she wants. She’ll immediately become the victim.