Emotionally detached relationship- 26f / 28 M

Hi. I’m 26f and my fiance is 28m. We can call him James (fake name). James and I have known eachother since we were 15. We have been together for 6 years now, engaged for 2, and living together for almost 3 years. Our relationship overall the past years has been great. But recently…things have been really shaky and different. And I have resentment growing. So let me get into the details. I have no one else to talk to about this.

For the past year we continue to have this dead end argument. I feel he is not meeting me anymore emotionally where I need him to be. I always knew since the beginning that he is less emotional than me. I’m deff the emotions of this relationship. That being said I don’t mean he just goes around acting like he does not care. On paper, and practicality, he is a great partner. He’s working overtime almost every week to provide for us and pay for majority of the bills. While I’m in a medical related program that’s extremely intense. I’m in school/clinicals Monday-Friday and work every single weekend. So I have 0 days off. We both have a lot on our plates. And sure, that can be a make factor to things, but this has been an issue for longer than that, and I think the added stress now just magnified the issue.

Going back to my point…I feel as if we aren’t dating each other anymore. I feel as if he’s gotten comfortable with things and stopped trying. I don’t feel pursued anymore. Desired anymore. Recently, I’ve loss a lot of weight so my confidence has risen. I take more selfies again. Do my makeup a little and put more effort into the way I dress. And I still feel unseen. He barely compliments me or when he does, for example, he would be on his phone scrolling and look at me and say either “you look so pretty” or “you look great” AFTER always me basically prompting him too, and then going back onto his phone. Even the other night, I tested him just to see how he would react. If I’m overreacting or not. I was going to shower and forgot something so I walk naked to the bedroom where he was lying down. He barely bat an eye. Barely looked up from his phone. I might as well have been a house plant. It makes it even more noticeable when I post selfies on my social media again and have other guys starting to like it again but my own partner barely notices or makes me feel like he cares.

Going to another point now: I’m the one who always initiates the tough conversations. ALWAYS. I’m not exaggerating. And it goes both ways- meaning, when I feel like he’s upset or something is bothering him I ask him multiple times “hey are you okay? Hey what’s wrong” etc and each time he shuts me out and says nothing is wrong or that he is fine. And times when I’m upset at something he did or said or didn’t do I STILL have to be the one who starts the conversation. I’m still the one to go to him, looking for him, because I just want to feel like he cares and want him to want to fix things. And if I didn’t start the conversation he would sit for hours without bringing anything up. While seeing me upset.

Fast forward to yesterday, Valentine’s Day. He got me easily something he just picked up from the grocery store. Of course I appreciate it but I wanted something more meaningful. It could have been a love note or an added card with him saying something sweet and genuine but no. I saw everyone posting their partners showing their appreciation on social media and even though I tried to ignore it stung every time. Because why can’t I have that? I asked him. He said he doesn’t use IG and hasn’t posted in forever. But he does use IG. He scrolls through that and TikTok. And all I wanted was 1 day out of the year for him to show me off. Something. He ever has so many more selfies of me since I’ve been taking more. Nope, nothing. Then, valentines night, we had a huge argument. Long story short, seeing piled dishes made me crack. But it wasn’t about the stupid dishes, it was just me feeling constantly overloaded mentally and emotionally I just cracked. So my tone was raised and agitated and all I needed was for him to ground me. To hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But no, he matched my fire like he usually does. He raised his tone and told me to go to bed and he will do the dishes. But not in a loving reassuring way. I felt like I was being scolded. After that everything just blew up. We got into a huge argument. And this is how it always goes:

Picture this image I will describe because it depicts best when I’m trying to say. I present to him on a plate my feelings and specific issue. And instead of him inspecting it and trying to understand and resolve it, he begins to add his own plates on top of mine one after another. Blind siding me because not once has he ever mentioned any of these issues or things UNTIL I mentioned mine. Even when like I mentioned earlier I’m always asking him if he’s okay and what is wrong when I feel a shift. I can’t constantly pull his teeth. Then my feelings get long forgotten.

I try to tell him as clear and calm as I can what I need emotionally from him. I want verbal assurances and affirmations from him. I want to feel desired and wanted. I want to feel like he’s scared to ever lose me and will do whatever it takes to keep me. But he immediately shuts down no matter what I say and no matter how I say it and goes into defense. He tells me he’s been doing so much lately for me and has tried to change and fix what I ask. And that I don’t appreciate anything he does by saying all of this. And somehow flips it on me and makes me doubt myself. Example, he did the dishes the other day for me. I texted him a nice thank you message and said thank you again in person and during the argument he said I never said thank you and that now it’s just an expectation I have for him. And that hurt. Because that is farthest from the truth. He has a way of making me feel like I’m asking for so much and I’m such a selfish person who’s saying me, me, me, all the time. But no! I’m just asking for initiative! I’m asking to not feel like I’m holding the entire emotional baggage of this relationship anymore! I can only tell him what I need so many times and ways before I give up. And it’s close. Resentment is already planted and growing. Not alot but I feel it. And he feels it too. He even admitted he’s felt like I’m not unhappy anymore. So I asked him why didn’t you say something? Why couldn’t you just sit me down or bring up whenever something like “hey babe is everything okay? I feel like there’s some tension or a shift between us lately. Let’s talk about it.”. No. He didn’t bring it up. He noticed it and didn’t say anything. To me that tells me he doesn’t care enough. But to him- he said he didn’t want to add more to my plate. And I said this is not how this works. You can’t just pick and choose what conversations to have in a relationship. We talk things out no matter what. But he doesn’t. He shuts down and shuts me out.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to give up 6 years. I love him. But I don’t know how much longer I can do this. How much longer I can have the same conversation 1000 different ways. With no change even though he swears he’s trying and changed. My walls are up.

Please someone, anyone, that has any advice or has been through a similar situation tell me how your experience went and or what you think I should do.