Saboteur

Saying you won't come over to watch your child while I go to important appointments where I have long and boring procedures such as ultrasounds is insane. You're guaranteeing me more ultrasounds and if you think your kid is gonna still fit in a stroller in two months, you're crazy. If you think your child is gonna sit still in an office for well over an hour, let alone 10 minutes, you're crazy.

Not to mention, you know the stroller is broken and it's gotten worse! Think about that while you cash your next paycheck.

I already pushed back so many appointments because of my symptoms just getting worse.

I told you I was getting worse, that I was struggling with sleeping and you tried to sabotage my appointment because you need me sleep-deprived because it means I'm physically weaker and easier to control. You of all people like stimulants, so you know what a lack of sleep does to a person.

You want me running up and down stairs in this condition with an exercise restriction with a defiant toddler while you lay in bed at your shelter, guzzling Kratom and daydreaming about fucking drugs despite having every resource meant to combat your addiction handed to you on a silver platter.

You think I'm gonna turn around and ask our neighbor to watch our child for multiple appointments through March and April? Should I just switch all my appointments to her day off? The wifi isn't even on anymore. I have to move next month. So does she.

I already spoke to her about how you corner me into using my friendships to pick up your slack and it's why I have no more friends.

Who is gonna watch your kid?

Is your family hundreds of miles away gonna drop their shit to come and watch my child because you fucked up again? Be for real... How do you think that's gonna go?

Who is gonna raise your kid if my heart disease takes me like it took my mother?

When you sit there and shut me down about talking to you about my symptoms because "I'm not a doctor!" while knowing I'm the custodial parent and sabotaging my appointments, my healthcare, you are making a decision for your child. You have forced my hand like you always do. You love playing chicken, knowing the only choice is to hit the brakes or swerve off a cliff. I choose the cliff.

You don't even have a place to live right now. You're not in a family shelter. You're in a half-way house.

This is why I broke down to a social worker because you are sabotaging my health, sabotaging my child and sabotaging my parenthood unless you get what you want. She gasped when I told her you would watching me have trouble breathing and you wouldn't call an ambulance.

You want to live with me at my free apartment again because being in recovery is too hard and you need a Mommy who will do everything for you and tell you want to do. You want to be able to take off my clothes, fuck me without protection and getting tested.

You want to be able to make me into a "welfare queen" you can leech off the system through me. More [high risk] pregnancies mean I'm weak and vulnerable and need you to live with me to be what you call a "caregiver." You like how my pregnancy made it so easy for you to relapse and get away with it.

I will always remember how easy you had it and in turn, you said, "Fuck you and that kid."

You think if you threaten me, I'll get on my knees and say, "I'm sorry, you're the Daddy and what you say goes," and start sucking the cock you decided to start washing over the last year, but I won't.

Let's talk about how all the drugs you did have fucked your ability to plan for the longterm because you get furious and you say shit, expecting me to shove it under the rug when it stays in my mind for years.

Let's talk about why you really need me to be sick. You do not want me to be with anyone else. You project yourself onto other men, where you don't find me attractive anymore so nobody else should. You don't want to date me anymore, so nobody else can because the thought of another man having access to my food, my home, my child, my pussy, mouth and asshole fucks you up.

The idea of me having a life and going back to school, back to work and showing you up as the better parent, the stable parent who makes sure your child has a roof, food, clothes and whatever he needs, whatever he fucking wants and my child being able to ask me for $200 and not you because you're a guaranteed junkie crash out fucks you up more.

You got with me because I was responsible and reliable. You got with me because I spent years of my life not stealing from my grandparent like you fucking were for a decade and instead, I was changing diapers. You may have a job now, but I'm watching your child 24/7 while you don't contribute shit because you run your mouth crazy against me.

Remember, it was me who wiped your shitty ass when the nurses couldn't be bothered to the last time you were in the hospital because of drugs. It wasn't your mother. It was me, caring about you.

I loved you so fucking much and you ruined everything.

You know if I'm not sick that I'll be able to create a safety net for myself and my son without you, that I'll be able to finally live at 30 years of neglect, abuse and coercion. Neglect, abuse and coercion not just from others, but from YOU.

I forgot, you're the only person allowed to start over at 30. No one is allowed to make a mistake but you. No one is allowed to be sick but you. I'm allowed to be sick only when it benefits you otherwise your narrative is, "get off your ass and do something."

You know that my child will be in swimming, martial arts, making friends, having a life whereas you were snorting drugs with your fucking mother behind everyone's back.

What do you want? You wanna be the Cool parent who grooms our kid! The Cool Dad who sneaks snacks to my child when Mommy's not looking. The Cool Dad who sneaks alcohol to my child when I'm not looking. Maybe you'll teach our child how to crush pills like you and Grandma!

Maybe you wanna stick around to gawk at the teenage girls my child will inevitably be around, that's all your pornography history was, teen girls playing with their pussies because you're bored of secretly role-playing out your Mommy/Son kink with me. Your beard is graying. Your hair is GRAYING. And you're a deadbeat drug addict dad. So high value.

With me being healthy, you know there will always be presents under the Christmas tree because when did I not have presents under the tree?

Last December, you decided your kid deserves less than you when I want my child to have more than what I did.

Fuck you for destroying our family and trying to destroy my health so I end up dead like my mother, so I end up leaving my child alone in a cruel world like she left me.

Fuck you for not going to therapy.

Fuck you for not getting your rotting teeth removed when your mouth is a fucking 98°F morgue.

Fuck you for not getting a shot that would be covered by the insurance you think you're too good for. Best doctors in the country are here and nowhere else and you know that.

You're such a magical thinker, must be all the drugs that put holes in your frontal cortex. You don't need to work if your baby moms and child get SSI checks. You figured it out! GOOD JOB! We're your disposable income. You don't want a family. You want drugs for life. You're just like everyone else.

You believe in that forced proximity trope, that's why you got tight about the condoms I got from the doctor's office. That's why you stopped me from going to my OB/GYN because you know they give out free condoms and that we never used them.

I used to think you believed no other man had a dick between his legs, but it's quite the contrary. You can't sling it without being high. As if we're sexually compatible anyway.

You have drug-induced erectile dysfunction and that's a part of the reason why you only try to have sex with me every few months. You're probably sneaking drugs just to perform.

The other reason is to create the "drop of water in a desert" effect, making me so thirsty while isolating me from anybody else who can give it good without the cocktail you have to take. Pure psychological and sexual abuse.

You think if you threaten abandonment, the very thing you're afraid of, I'll lay on my belly and whimper like a dog you can kick. Then you can do whatever you want.

You think because I was adopted and bad things happened to me that adoption isn't an option for our child. You're just taking advantage.

Don't come back to my child in 20 years saying "I did the best I could" like your fucking pillhead "I only got married for health insurance so I could get high" mother because I will ensure my child sees the adoption paperwork detailing what a destructive, abusive and neglectful person you are.

As if you'll be alive in 20 years.

You got 3 years at the minimum. 5 tops. Every time you relapse, it gets more severe and you know that.

There's people who have a singular drug of choice and they drop dead in their 30s. You're addicted to multiple substances. You're cheating your program. You haven't brought me a single drug test result. You don't want to piss in cups or give blood at all because they'll ID you as an addict. You'd rather my home be your emergency room with me as the head nurse and doctor.

Don't know why you sabotaged me.

You're a dead man walking.

You make threats so I won't leave you despite us not being together. That's why you were digging into your neck with a knife when I was telling your crossfaded ass to get out, multiple fake suicide threats in my home, knowing someone I loved shot himself. Manipulative isn't the word.

"Sadistic," is a better fit.