I'm confused

Ever since I was very little, I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl. When I was 12, I eventually came out to my family as trans and lesbian, and they weren't happy. They shunned me for ever having such thoughts and said this wasn't the real me. They said it goes against God's plan, It's a new dangerous trend, and I wasn't truly happy since it caused dysfunction in our family. Growing up, I still did stereotypical boy things, like catching frogs and enjoying things like cars, and not something like dolls. Eventually, I stopped identifying as trans in real life, thinking they were right and so they could leave me alone and the family could stop being in shambles. I'm almost in college now, and occasionally they still ask if I want to be a girl. I respond with things like, "Why would I ever think that?" or "Ew, no." But something I don't understand is, if I truly don't feel those thoughts anymore, why do I twitch when I get called "sir" or "son"? Why do I feel uncomfortable when people say I'm really handsome? Why do I hate looking at myself in photos and avoid being in them when I can? Why do I want to shave my limbs? Why do I still present myself online with she/her pronouns? And when I see lesbian couples or WLW ship art, why do I wish I could be that?

I just don't understand. I felt like letting go of being trans would make everything better, and I would learn to like living as a boy, but I just feel like a zombie going through the motions that doesn't truly feel content every day.