What is my type?

I am single on this Valentine’s Day. There has been one Valentine’s Day throughout my lifetime, as someone who has a birthday coming up in under two months, wherein I wasn’t single on Valentine’s Day. I am actually not “angry” about being single, exactly - I suppose that I have mixed feelings about it. I am mainly finishing up homework today, and will babysit tomorrow. I had planned on shopping today, but the weather didn’t turn out to be awfully nice, so I’ll likely do it a little later on in the week. I was hoping to find a pretty dress for my twenty-first birthday. I have been complimented on my fashion sense multiple times, and it was pointed out to me more recently that I seem to really have a particular liking for dresses, which is true. I love a nice old fashioned dress.) I would not describe myself as an exciting person. I do love things that look nice, and I have a thing for aesthetics (I follow accounts like nostalgic90ss and goldenfilmz, for example. When I was a bit younger, I would watch videos like “Brigitte Bardot - tribute song” (a love for listening to music whilst seeing beautiful scenery. I’m an ISFJ.) After I complete my homework, I will likely end the night with The Simpsons or a Disney film.

I have worked on my communication skills as I have grown older and older, even though I think that I struggled with this more when I was younger. I write like this: “I also really hope that you are able to take this month to rest and relax as much as possible! (And I wish you an early happy Valentine’s Day as well!)” and “Sounds great, happy holidays! No worries!” And “Can I receive help with the hair this week? I do appreciate it. I can help with dinner. Let me know what you are making and I will come in to help.” And “Hi, so sorry just saw this! Hope you guys are having fun!” And “Because I changed my mind, and decided that I’m not comfortable moving forward with it. It wasn’t necessarily a lie. I changed my mind because this isn’t going anywhere, and was never going to.” And “Yup, she’s lovely! I’d love for her to have continued support for her business in any way possible so if you know anyone who may be interested please let them know” and “Hi, saw you called a few hours ago was it an accident or do you want me to call back later” and “Also, if you’d be open to calling to chat tomorrow just to get anything off your chest, feel free to let me know - I really care about you and want to make sure you’re good!”

I would probably not actually make for a good parent even though a man I was… not sure what you’d call it, talking to I suppose, felt I was maternal and I had sensed another man who was staring at me felt the same way. I can have a habit of letting certain things slide under the rug, and I was also not necessarily raised with what I’d consider to be great parents (my mother always screams daily now that her mental health has declined about wanting others to die, which is what my older brother who is a diagnosed schizophrenic does as well. Everyone within my immediate family seemed normal enough to me when I was a child, but I realize as an adult that they were actually putting on… I almost said a show for me, but I actually feel it’s more accurate to say that my parents were, at least for a little while, making an effort to work on their more troubling behaviors, to an extent. By the time I was thirteen-fourteen, this had fallen to the wayside.) I am old enough now that I “know” that some men are attracted to me. I have been asked out by multiple Uber drivers of mine, and have sensed two of them otherwise were attracted to me. I noticed three men staring at me yesterday, and one of them told me directly that I looked nice today. I have actually noticed myself that I am better at clocking it now when a person is attracted to me than I used to be. However, it is hard to figure out who you would be compatible with (and, naturally, I am not attracted to some of the men who are attracted to me.) I am particular about choosing outfits that will make my figure look nice whenever I shop. I hate a shapeless dress. I don’t want to feel like I am unattractive.

I feel as though I have changed a fair amount throughout my lifetime, which I suppose makes sense. In middle school, I was considered smart (as an adult, I already know that I am not actually) and was called the smartest girl in my grade. I remember that I could also probably come off a bit cold at points back then, which is something two men I have been with/around have pointed out to me (well, one of them was actually my ex boyfriend.) I was probably last the truly studious type when I was in 9th grade. I would say that my chosen major isn’t “difficult” so I can’t say that I have to study often for my classes. I have, as I mentioned, worked on my communication skills over the years and think that I communicate more effectively than I did in high school for certain. I am a big believer in open, honest communication even when it is difficult. I have just, I suppose, grown tired of having trouble with people due to a failure on my part (and, to be honest, it is sometimes a failure on part of both individuals) to properly communicate. I think that I would be better equipped to date now than I would have been when I was 15-16 as a result. However, a big part of dating is finding someone who you are truly attracted to and would actually be compatible with, which is difficult. I haven’t really been “trying” to date over the last few years but I haven’t had luck with the compatibility piece when I have been approached by men.

I know that I could not date a man who wasn’t frugal. I have $48.1k saved, and I wouldn’t be able to date a man who chose to spend his money on material items to impress other people. Though it is also just a matter of safety and security. I always hated hated growing up with parents who I felt hadn’t done a great job of planning ahead for kids. I understand as an adult that they partly struggled to effectively raise my brother and I due to their own serious childhood traumas, but unlike an aunt I spoke to yesterday I don’t think that this is an excuse for how poor a lot of their parenting decisions proved to be, and it is clear to me that at this point my mother is just an actively toxic person.

I was not considered “attractive” in high school (and was called ugly behind my back by some people in middle school, though as an adult, I am confident that being a dark-skinned black woman in the environment I was raised in wherein there were few black people contributed to this.) As an adult this isn’t as big of an insecurity for me as it once was but it still bothers me a bit even though as stated above I am old enough now that I know some people are attracted to me and that if I theoretically want a boyfriend I can have one (when I was fifteen, it really felt like that wasn’t possible for me.) It is partly why after going back to my natural hair (which I’ll just be doing until early March) I was intentional about wearing my prettiest dresses. I didn’t feel very confident with my natural hair out.

I don’t do much just in general. Whenever I’m not occupied I normally like to watch television films and read (but am not as consistent these days about my reading as ideal.) I believe everyone should try to have a bit of fun in life, even though my anxiety can really keep me from just relaxing and enjoying life. I don’t think I’d actually like partying very much. I’ve been asked if I intend to go out and drink for my twenty first birthday, the answer is definitely no. I don’t ever want to pick up alcohol, in part because I’ve watched family members struggle with it. I don’t ever want to develop an addiction to something. I don’t truly know who I am but developing an addiction to something that would take me away from myself, from my true self, would be my worst nightmare. I don’t ever want to feel like I’ve truly lost control of myself.

I was always sad in high school because I felt like none of the boys had really liked me. I did end up having a boyfriend for a few months, but I have realized as of late that as an adult I am afraid to have another even though I’ve been approached by more than five men since the age of sixteen. If you ask where the fear is coming from, I’d say it comes from a lot of places. The world can be a frightening place, and I don’t feel as though experiences I had in my youth have equipped me to handle - at least not at this stage of life - everything that comes along with being in a relationship. Though I also know that I don’t take great care of myself and feel as though trying to date right now when I already know that I am not happy would be a nightmare waiting to happen.

I have a 3.93 GPA. I actually had high grades in high school as well, with the lowest I pulled having been a C in Physiology when I was in my final year of high school.) I really don’t think that I am “smart” however. I am probably pretty average in terms of intelligence. I doubt that I know a whole lot more than the average person.

I would only become a mother if I were married (and yes, I understand that marriage isn’t always something that lasts, of course. I think that people who try to spend time with their partner first, years, are the smartest. You don’t want to be left alone as a single mother.) I am not focused on marriage right now, but hope to marry within the next eleven years - if I don’t, I will likely simply not become a mother.

It has actually been pointed out to me by two different people within the last six months - one in a romantic context and one in a different context - that I have strong communication skills in the sense of checking in with other people, even though I wouldn’t say that I am truly a social butterfly. I am apparently just good at, well, asking others for their honest opinion about how they are feeling and figuring out how to move forward. I was told by both that a lot of people they have met do a poor job of this. It makes me wonder if there is someone who I would theoretically be compatible with romantically.

I am not “immediately” going to be good at NSFW, which I acknowledge, in part because I’ve never slept with anyone before. I actually wouldn’t mind it if someone I was talking to or with admitted to me that they’d thought of me while pleasuring themselves while crushing on me, it just wouldn’t bother me. I actually “know” even though only one person I’ve been with has admitted (in response to me suggesting, because I wanted to be honest, that I had thought about them while having private time) that there have been multiple men who have done this (may not have necessarily had a crush on me, may have just been attracted to me) based upon personal experiences and body language. It’s actually not terribly “flattering” to me as an adult unless I’m really attracted to them in return, it’s just moreso that I wouldn’t shame someone for admitting they’d done this even though I’d probably be embarrassed. I actually am kind of curious. One that I’m writing about it as to who had done this before while thinking of me that I don’t know about, and what they were thinking in particular. What I would actually be interested in hearing about/curious about is what someone who was attracted to me or had a crush on me \\\*really\\\* thought of me. I wonder what they’d describe as my best feature (I’ve heard it described before as my eyes.) I feel like when it comes to attraction and crushes there tends to be certain things you like about a person, even if it doesn’t consciously hit you, things you may not necessarily be able to articulate at the time. For example, when I had more recently seen a stylist, they had mentioned to me that when they had a crush on a boy in 9th grade, they remember loving his hair and wanting to run their fingers through it. I had felt the same way about someone I’d liked in high school, had really liked their hair, it was one of my favorite features of theirs. And I could describe it more delicately than that, I spent more time than ideal just analyzing their hair when I liked them. I’ve been complimented on my eyes before but everyone will see something different. In fact, the person who I’d liked the most as an underclassman, I didn’t like platonically or see it for in general at all by the time I was sixteen. We’d have been a poor fit for each other, and he was actually quite toxic, I’ve reflected on that crush since and felt like it didn’t really even make sense of me to like that one boy as much as I did - objectively he had nothing to offer me, as a relationship partner or really even as a human being. I liked him during a very particular time of my life. I’d never like anyone who behaves the way he behaved as an adult. When you’re a kid it’s very different and very awkward. I remember having all those feelings for the first time. I remember the excitement, the intensity, the fixation, how I’d find myself just… analyzing each and every single detail of whoever it was I liked. I’d had my most intense crush in high school on someone who most people didn’t think was smart, and who was actually quite toxic (but nice to me at times in ninth grade, and was slightly above average looking at the time even though he lost it.) I have felt silly at points as an adult knowing that someone who fit his profile - a 1.5 GPA (which I’d actually felt bad about, as I suspected he had an undiagnosed learning disability. A lot of our peers really judged him for it, and as an adult resentment I have come to feel towards him for ranking me has led to me starting to judge a bit as well,) immature, always saying something about a girl’s appearance, etc. It’s easier for me to accept as an adult than it was 5-6 years ago that my not being his type doesn’t mean it isn’t possible for me to have a real boyfriend.

My actual self esteem is not terribly high. It’s partly why I’m not dating right now. I think that there are certain things said in school that actually do still bother me to an extent and I am working on making sure that I really care about myself and love myself before actually having a child. It’s weird because my self esteem isn’t high but it also isn’t in the gutter. I have more recently started to feel a bit proud of myself for having high grades, for example, even though I also acknowledge that having strong grades in community college with an easy major isn’t necessarily as admirable as certain people I’ve met seemed to think it was (though it does mean, in spite of the headaches I tend to have these days from poor sleep - which I saw the doctor about and am working on - that I am likely capable of obtaining a bachelor’s degree.) I am consistent in spite of the drama that takes place at home.

I think that I need to learn to find the balance between enjoying myself and being too stressed out. I feel like the stress shows in how tired I look though someone recently told me I could actually pass for being in junior high (I was told that last year by one person as well, my uber drivers have asked me multiple times how old I am as well even though I really do look exhausted.) I actually probably could afford to take more risks in life, or well that may not actually be right, just moreso to try living in the moment and actually enjoying life.

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