Ng tube obsession

Ok this is really embarrassing but I used to be and still slightly am obsessed with tubes. Once I starved in a hospital, it wasn't 100% for the tube, but I hoped for it so much. I eventually got one and it felt shitty, hurt all the time. Idk it just feels like that anorexic goal I had to achieve. Please tell me I'm not the only person here god I'm so embarrassed for some reason