Fractured

I’m not sure you can see it’s ending - me and you, as we know it.

I think it needs to change, in order for me to sort my life out, for me to move on.

I’m alone and I need to accept it.

You’re alone in a different way, I know. I wish I could help.

I can hear your voice, your rough accent in my head “chin up, you’ll be fine.” but will I? When?

You’re my first thought when I wake up. You’re in my head when I smell coffee, or when I’m outdoors.

I watch your car drive past, as if you’re actually inside it. I get into bed wondering if you’re thinking of me, if you’ve thought about me today, if you’ve missed me.

You’re in my dreams. And my nightmares.

When I hear a strange noise in the night I grab my phone to text you, and then I stop myself.

I need your voice. I need your hugs.

You’re far away, and I need you.

So I’m pushing you away. I’ll learn to be by myself, I’ll stand up for myself, I won’t let him beat me again, I’ll show him the fiery side of me that you like. You’ll be proud of me one day, when I’ve sorted my life out.

But for now? I don’t know what we are.

Fractured?

In denial?

You deserve to be happy, without the mess of my life weighing you down.

Go and be happy. That’s what I want.