Am I the asshole for calling my friend to disappointment?

Trigger warning

It is exactly how it sounds, but there’s a lot of context and little details so I’ll tell you it from an overall scenario, then I’ll tell you why I’ve reacted so harshly so you can inform different opinions. It’s on what happened.

I’m 18 female my best friend is 18 Demi girl

All of this happened on Valentine’s Day, but I finally was able to pass through it. So my friend has chronic pain they’ve been dealing with for the past couple of years. Not only with that, but they can only spend a few hours doing things. But on 1 February, I’d asked do you want to do this with me because I found it, she said yes. I was very excited, but I knew she’s done too many things that day she wouldn’t be able to go out with me, but I wanted to go out with her to take her out of her house because she’s been stuck there for a while due to her chronic fatigue and it gets worse in the winter. So the day of, I had asked her “hey have you done anything today/are you doing anything that would make you more fatigued?” She answered with a no, I’m fine. I can handle it.

So I took a word on it so I started to get ready after it and I was getting dressed and putting on all my stuff cause I wanted to feel cute because I hadn’t been out in a while or at least had a reason to dress up. So when I was finished and halfway to her place, I got a call from her saying that she couldn’t go out because she had done too many things that day and her pain was through the roof, I just kind of paused and now like, so do you not want to go to the Galentine‘s because the thing had a lot of walking. But she said no I don’t wanna go out. That she wanted to say it. This entire new year we’ve hung out 15 times all 15 times we’re at her house.

I don’t really remember much because I had a whole emotional crash out, but basically we just kind of sat there in silence until she hung up. And I just crashed out so hard afterwards, crying, sobbing about how I wanted us to hang out. But eventually, I calmed down, but I felt so much anger. I texted her. “I’m disappointed in you. I asked you multiple times throughout the day if you could handle going out with me and you kept saying yes.” Her girlfriend texted me later that night, she no longer ever wants to see me again and that she doesn’t want me in her girlfriend‘s life. I just kind of rolled my eyes at that. But basically later that night I had sent not an apology, but an attempt of explanation. I did apologize for calling her, but I did not apologize for using it. She is not texted me back at all.

I’m asking should I reach out or should I ask? Are you blocking me or should I ask? Does she not want to hear from me cause I don’t believe her girlfriend‘s word. and if it is the girlfriend‘s word, I would much prefer it come from my best friend.

Onto my explanation that I left out to her because a part of me is using it as an excuse of why I was so harsh.

I worked in such a toxic environment. I got suicidal that left me to quit. I am still semi-suicidal i’ve been without a job for about eight months now. I got so suicidal I’ve been wanting to cut and I started to at the start of January. But I made a deal with myself that if I could get my best friend out of the house once, I would stop. And it seemed like this was it. I’d also made a second deal with myself that if I hadn’t heard back from this latest job and it seems very promising. If I haven’t heard back from this job by the end of the month, I would kill myself. I’d heard back from the job saying that I was being moved forward and I’d managed to get my best friend to agree to go out at the house.

But I got an email from that day in the morning that that the background check company, they used wasn’t moving me forward and then I still needed time. But they have an AI thing where if I’m not through by a certain amount of time I’m kicked out of the process no matter what. And then my best friend canceled on me.

I just need to know if I should bite the bullet text them asking them should I just block them?

I don’t want to die, but I’m just so tired I don’t know if I have a job and I’ve lost my best friend two list I made with myself if I could get done, I would continue living and no longer hurt myself, but both failed.

Should I just do it?

And before anybody goes into the comment, you should go to the mental hospital. I live in a state and country where it isn’t free. A single night in a mental hospital is $1000 here.

I’m just tired I need to know. Did I blow up my friendship and is it irredeemable or should I tell her of these things?