People pleasing, self villainizing and spiraling

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I need some advice on how to live with myself so to speak.

i've come to this realisation that a big reason a do a lot of things for people is because i hope it raises my worth in there eyes, this all goes very deep and something ive realised alot of depth in and am working out with myself. But now this realisation has formed into this awful habit where for example with my ex, im now continuously looking back at memories and asking if i ever did anything loving because i actually loved her. My mind is just so scared of the scenario where in reality i just used my ex as the object of fulfilling my need for validation. Like it makes me feel like a villain almost, what if everything kind i ever did was simply so i could feel like im worth of love, and it had nothing to do with real love for that person, simply only fulfilling my own needs and using them as a means of getting it. I know this is spiraling and i cant imagine it being the case, still it keeps me up, trying to find a scenario where i could prove to myself that im not some kind of villain like that, but my mind seems to make every memory muddy.

This is a problem from my past, and im now trying to fix it as best as i can. But i also realize it will still bug me in the future, since it has made me very skeptical about the love i will give from now on. I will continue doing my best to do good things, but now that ive noticed how believable lies can be that we tell ourselves, well how will i ever truly trust myself that the love i give from now on is even partly authentic and real, i can never truly prove to myself that it isnt just another situation where im lying to myself and that this time my love is getting more authentic and real because im aware of this situation now. But that yet again could just be a cope and a way to convince myslelf that im not just some human fully driven by self motivated actions, doing things for people, and using people almost as a object to feed my need for validation. Like this whole thing is putting me in a constant loop, no matter how self aware i get, it doesnt make me feel more sincere. It almost feels like some kind of existential loop, or meta. Where any progress i make in getting better could just be a way of making myself believe my lies more. Hell, this whole post could just be a coping mechanism, making myself believe ive done the work, and i cant be that bad, because i even made this whole self aware reddit post about my situation, a person truly caring wouldnt do that right? Well, could just be another way of validating my own worth, just this time internal, not external.