Need to talk about feelings. I’m trying to help myself but still having the same feelings

My mind feels a lot better than it has been in recent times (really the best it’s felt in years) but I feel a bit dead inside or without much of a sense of “self” (it’s hard to explain). It’s a lot easier to not hyperfocus on gender stuff and sexuality than it was in the past and my mind doesn’t have lasting intrusive thoughts like before thanks to medicine and a positive attitude. I do research LGBT and social topics in the library whenever I do but I don’t compare myself and my identity to the text or dwell on it and I feel more like a scholar than anything else now when I do engage in it. A few weeks ago I decided to live as a male and be seen as one in public, with family and internally since gender identity stuff was ruining my life at work and on the internet and with family and causing a lot of stress. In fact I came out as a woman in multiple jobs and even took HRT for a few days late August/early September last year and it felt great back then. I stopped taking it after I got involved in a rear end accident and my mom found out about it in the ER. My parents don’t want me to put chemicals in my body though I wasn’t doing it DIY and I got the prescription from an online clinic called FOLX. My old pediatrician and parents especially my mom thought the gender stuff was just my autism and me desiring a place to fit in as I was lonely and didn’t connect to a lot of people especially as I didn’t have any signs of being trans growing up and didn’t consciously have gender dysphoria as a child and even to this day not interested in fashion/cosmetics/jewlery/etc. I tried liking MLP and unicorns and mermaids (I liked the last one since I was a kid) and when my parents caught me doing either thing they got upset. I once wore a skirt outside around the neighborhood a year and a half or so ago because I was feeling bad about not being seen as a girl and everyone saw me as a guy and my parents found out and got very angry at me. Even the relationship with my sister was crumbling as there was one time a little more than a year ago that I said “ I am a woman” in the car and my sister slapped me out of anger as she has been festering that anger since I came out a year before that incident. My mom wanted me off the internet a few weeks ago as she is critical about privacy and I complied with it for a few weeks and I felt good for a short while but I started to feel isolated and dead inside afterwards especially when trying to be a man. I’ve been doing ocd therapy and accepting the uncertainty of life especially identity and the fact that I could be a man or I could be a woman or I could be nonbinary and sitting with the discomfort of it. Thing is doing things as a “boy” in games or real life feels off to me and dead inside even though I was fine with it growing up; I don’t like crossdressing or gender transformation kinks and I never was one to be a girl for “fun”, it doesn’t make sense to me to be a gender that you are not for any period of time.

I just don’t get it. I thought I was straight in high school and a boy as a kid and went to catholic mass growing up and respected my family and tradition and my parents conservative politics yet now I have these desires to have a female body and a boyfriend and I just don’t feel any connection to organized religion or conservative politics. I did the right things growing up but no matter how hard I try I just can’t enjoy living as a man, not even a gender nonconforming one. I try watching a video of a guy who read books that helped him realize he was a man after thinking he was nonbinary for a long time but that didn’t work, and looking at attractive women feels like a pressure to be someone I’m not. I even bought suggestive fanart of crystal from starfox at a convention thinking it could make me straight but it didn’t work.