Letting go of the dream of a “healthy and happy” family

I only recently found out — and had it confirmed by my therapist — that my mom has BPD. I’m currently NC with her after a huge fight, and it feels like I’m going through a massive identity shift.

I never imagined I’d go NC/LC. I also never fully admitted to myself that what I experienced growing up was abuse. Now that I have, it feels both empowering and devastating at the same time.

This realization has helped me make sense of so much. But I’m also grieving the life I thought I would have. I always believed that one day I’d have a “healthy and happy” family. Accepting that this may never happen — at least not in the way I imagined — is incredibly sad. I hate that I’m now “one of those people” with a broken family. (No judgment toward anyone else — it’s just hard letting go of that dream for myself.)

My dad wasn’t in my life for 23 years. I only recently got back in touch with him. He’s making an effort, and his extended family has welcomed me warmly, which feels good. But I also feel conflicted. Part of me doesn’t want to rely on people who never reached out to me all those years.

I guess I’m posting to vent and to hear from others who’ve gone through something similar.

Have you dealt with prejudice or uncomfortable reactions when sharing your family history?

How did you cope with the grief and identity shift that comes with going NC?