I F’d up Starting Over

I’m a bit over 2.5 years out. Thing with my LW were complicated. I loved her, but she struggled with depression and other issues and it was hard, and got really bad before she passed. I feel like if I wasn’t so drained and numb at the time I could have done better to help her.

Dating again was rough. I didn’t have trouble finding women, whether they wanted something casual or serious, but I didn’t know what I wanted. I had lost myself and just felt like a shell of a person, or like I was just faking being me, and my emotions were all over the place.

The person I started dating a it over a year ago put no pressure on me to be too serious, but it was a lot more than just sex, and it felt comfortable. Partly because she reminded me of my LW, including the depression, but she’s also really different in a lot of good ways.

So, I posted a few months ago that I was ready to end it, or at least take a break. I don’t think she was too excited about the relationship anymore either, and at the time she’d been tired and sick for weeks.

Turns out… she was pregnant.

She moved in, and in a lot of ways it works really well, and it feels like we’re so close to being happy, and there’s glimpses of it, but we just aren’t getting there. She’s sick and miserable all the time. She tells me she hates everything. I felt like shit and went to a strip club for a drink (just a drink) a couple weeks ago, and she saw my location and now she’s been pushing me even further away for the last two weeks. She went back to her apartment for a few days, and told me we wouldn’t be together if she wasn’t pregnant. It might be true. I don’t know. She moved back in, but just hates me.

It’s so f’ing sad and lonely. So now I have the grief-driven loneliness, plus someone who treats me like my feelings don’t matter but constantly talks about how bad they feel; and, all that sadness and loneliness triggers widows fire but I don’t have an outlet for it. I’m constantly getting rejected, which makes me feel worse, and she gets nauseous most of the time we do it, which makes her feel worse. The whole thing fucking sucks.

My gut reaction is to keep trying to cheer her up and make her happy, but it backfires and I keep feeling worse and worse. When she left for work earlier, she wouldn’t give me a hug. She gave her dog a dramatic goodbye and gave me a pat on the shoulder. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to her, she might have not thought twice about it, but I’m really struggling.

I want things to get better, but I’m scared they never will. I absolutely don’t want to leave her while she’s pregnant. That would be leaving my kid too, and if she’s not with me her best support system would be to move near family like 6-8 hours away.

This is supposed to be healing and getting my life together and figuring myself out, but instead I ended up in a spot that could be great (on the outside, it could be a GREAT life) but just feels like shit with no easy fix.

Thanks for listening to my rant…