Anyone else unable to attend memorials?

Second anniversary of one of the worst losses of my life tomorrow and I just cant even think about going to the memorial. Its gonna be a get together but because his death was so politicised, its gonna be super public, like a ton of bystanders. I still remember how I got the news from the Radio because Press was informed before the loved ones. My grandparents trying to console me while I frantically tried to reach everyone. Dealing with it every single day...

I feel like Im betraying him if I dont go but I can't stand the thought of airing my grief out in front of tons of strangers who stopped by on their evening walk because they like to do trauma tourism or something. Am I a horrible person if I dont go tomorrow and just work and then spend a quiet evening by myself? Will I regret that?