Struggling to Forgive My Husband After Sexual Boundary Betrayal - Need Honest Perspectives

Hi everyone. I’m posting because I feel stuck and I need outside perspectives. I’m trying really hard to be fair and not paint myself or my husband as the villain.

My husband (30M) and I (27F) have been married for 4 years. Overall, he has been a loving, supportive husband. He’s emotionally expressive, attached, and very invested in our marriage. We married fairly quickly but have built a real life together. I have had past relationships regretfully but he has not and we didn’t even hold hands till we got married (just to give you a picture of how he is). I just started practicing properly this year but he has been heavily practicing since we met and never misses a single salah or engages in anything haram.

A few months ago (around 6 months ago now), I found out that during a period where our relationship was strained, (3 months) he had been repeatedly looking at OF women’s photos on Instagram at night. He would look every few days, not constantly, but it was recurring. When I confronted him he admitted that he did it twice a week, and would just click on a few photos on 1 or 2 profiles at a time and then feel guilty, realise it’s wrong and get off but unfortunately return to it again a few days later.

He says it wasn’t about lusting after them as he’s never been a lustful person and always lowered his gaze or that preferring them to me and swears on his deen that he never compared me to them or imagine being with them in any way. He says he was feeling rejected, insecure, unwanted and emotionally disconnected from me at the time. He describes it as an unhealthy coping mechanism, almost dissociative, that it was just a distraction to escape from his feelings when he felt unwanted and emotionally shut out. (Which to be honest I don’t UNDERSTAND AT ALL, so if brothers could give me more insight on this part specifically I would really appreciate it) He says he didn’t think deeply in the moment, that it was mindless scrolling. That he remembers his emotions at the time but not a single thought whilst looking at them. I asked him a bunch of questions when he took me to umrah 2 weeks after to show me how much he regretted what he did. He swears he has never look at this stuff out entire marriage it was just those 3 months, that he never did more than just look and that it just became a compulsive habit before bed. That it started when we stopped sharing a bed and it made him feel lonely. We were still being intimate (not as often admittedly) but he said that even though I asked to have different rooms due to snoring and poor sleep he felt like it’s because I hated him and he felt rejected by the only women he ever loved. His therapist and him and other people I’ve spoke to say it’s just an unhealthy coping mechanism for “nice guys” who bottle up their feelings and never scream or shout. It gives them a 1 second dopamine and sense of relief from their pain?

For context, I’ll own my side too.

During that period, I was extremely critical, emotionally harsh, and sometimes verbally cutting. I struggle with control issues and can be very type-A and reactive. I was not making him feel safe emotionally. I can see now that I contributed to the distance between us. I became just like my father, a man whose behaviour I hated growing up. Some people might even describe my behaviour during arguments as emotionally abusive. He tolerated a lot without pushing back. Has never shouted or raised his voice even when I was wrong. I wish I could go back and take it all back. I had built up resentment from early on in our marriage from how he allowed his family to treat me. He has always avoided conflict and been a people pleaser to everyone. After he started therapy because of me finding out he uncovered a lot of it’s due to his parents awful marriage and divorce.

That said, I still believe he had other options besides sexualising other women. He never communicated his feelings and just agreed to everything. Since starting therapy he has significantly improved his communication and been able to tell me things that bother him finally. He admitted my past bothers him, not that I have one, but that maybe he doesn’t compare. That I did nicer things for them or that I he isn’t as interested or fun or attractive. (He is VERY attractive so I’m so sad to find out he feels this way)

We separated for three weeks recently so I could clear my head because I can’t seem to forgive and move past it because it completely shattered this PERFECT image I had of him and I can’t unsee it now. I can’t unsee a lustful man now even thought I know that’s not him. During this time, he has been deeply remorseful. No defensiveness. No minimising. He’s sent long messages taking accountability, admitting he betrayed me, saying he lost himself, that he took me for granted, that he never wants to risk our marriage again.

I genuinely believe he loves me. I don’t think he wanted those women over me. I don’t believe he was trying to replace me. But I still struggle with intrusive thoughts like:

•	What was he thinking while looking at them?

•	Did he imagine them sexually?

•	Did he compare me?

•	Why didn’t he stop himself?

•	Was it really coping, or just lust?

•	Will I ever feel fully safe again?

I miss him terribly. He’s my best friend. I want our marriage to work. I’ve also started therapy because I recognise I have patterns I need to change too. He is truly the kindest man I know. I don’t think he has a hateful bone in his body. He makes me breakfast and dinner everyday. He provides. He does our laundry too because I struggle with texture issues. He does alot more for me than I do. I haven’t had to work since we’ve been married. He moved me 3 hours away from his family and closer to mine. He takes me on holidays and buys me anything I want. He truly adores me in a way I’ve never seen a man adore anyone. He has mentioned in the past how he feels unappreciated a lot but it was always during an argument where I was upset so I’d dismiss his feelings. I do believe he lost himself in just struggling so much because this was so out of character.

But forgiveness feels harder than I expected. Some days I feel clear and ready to rebuild. Other days I feel sick thinking about him choosing to look at other women’s naked bodies that weren’t me. I know I messed up ALOT. I didn’t appreciate him anywhere near as much as I should have and I hold my hands up for that. I will be better InshaAllah.

I guess my questions are:

•Has anyone experienced something similar that wasn’t just “he’s a lustful man who will do it again”? I KNOW he won’t. 

•Is it realistic to rebuild trust after this kind of boundary violation?

•How do you differentiate between sexual attraction betrayal and unhealthy coping behaviour?

The most important one for me!!!

•For men especially - can behaviour like this truly come from emotional rejection rather than desire for someone else? This is the one I’ve been fixated on for 6 months.