What to

The struggle of perpetuity. --- TO

Understanding in your mind. Cataloging the necessities, hurdles, and possible outcomes. Feeling inspired. But to lift my own hands. To rise. To the occasion. So much effort. To. Do. Too much. I know the questions and answers. But to answer, to question, to write it down, form the words on my lips and expel them. Rather, to hold my tongue. Again, My hands. The failure of failure. The fear of failure or the fear of success, both residing internally. I don’t shy from addressing either, but I fail TO. 

So, how do we break the mold. Hold myself to a higher regard. Use shame and guilt as my out of bounds. Crossing them only means that a reset is in order. To play: stay within bounds, doing my best to manifest what gets me futher in the game. My best at what? Staying in bounds, sure, we know what that means. But what game are we playing? Suddenly, I’m tired, exhausted. TOO much. Excuses, sure, but if I stopped now, I could sleep. Try to, or at least find something more comfortable. Something to satisfy my immediate desires. But what about long term? 

A character, my character, or MY character. If the story is meant for me, if its written to educate/ inform the audience, what is it I’m trying to tell myself? (That’s likely why the earlier resolution ended with Opal killing herself.) If our history is cycling, then surely our personal stories do the same. This iteration, what’s my goal? I. Want. TO. That's three different things right there, It’s already assuming so much. I - this transient persona presented to others and myself (funny, they came first). Want- a thing or state of reality that I desire. TO - a/an/the. TO- a willingness, an action, the follow through. Maybe we don’t focus on wanting just yet, how about NEED. The need to escape: a willingness-- the thoughts that I know. The actions-- ? What am I escaping? This society? Town, Physical space or mental. Mentally: I want to escape the rat race <the confining, predestined>, but unfulfilling? Is the rat not fulfilled when it receives its reward? Momentary bliss, distraction from what comes next, and the compartmentalization of what's come before. The markers of a rat race life are acceptable to the rat. And the rat doesn’t need to compare itself to others, see itself as any less than another creature unless threatened by that alien intruder. So, its fine to be a rat amongst other rats; what about the race? Is it like traffic? We don’t complain when we’re in first. Speeding around slowpokes when afforded the opportunity. They dwell inside the lines, fine, they’re built for your locomotion, few use the median as an extra left lane. So, the race is only as bad as your place in it. The last rat would be the last, if that, to achieve the rewards discussed. So the race might be the recognition of the unfair, like the confrontation felt when the rat sees the hand reaching down, signaling the end of bliss and confirmation of the inevitable next challenge. TO escape: mentally-- the comparison of myself to others without necessity. Does that address the rat and the race? I’ll propose that physical escape becomes clearer once the mental is attained. But how so when TO DO, is physical? I’ll physically escape once I’ve done enough mental work. Mental work past, the purely mental. To physically manifest my mental desires.