Looking for support for the first time in almost 20 years.

I'm (32m) a married man with a well paying job and a fantastic son. I have a good friend group and a solid amount of free time. By all metrics I am successful, intelligent, well liked and stable.

I am also good at hiding how anxious, depressed, and addicted to porn I am. My wife knows. She's extremely unhappy and asked me to quit. I've gotten a therapist, I've greatly reduced screentime. Ive never wanted anything more than I've wanted to stop watching porn. It's hurting my wife and will eventually set an awful example for my child.

The issue is the relapses. Not often at all, but when they happen it sends me spiraling into sadness afterwards. Even worse is if I'm caught by my wife, all I can do is stutter while she asks whether or not I even love her or whether or not she's enough for me. Says that, if I loved her, I just wouldn't do the thing that hurts her. I can't help but agree.

I feel broken. I feel diseased. I feel like I'm being told to take care of this quietly and quickly but there's a chunk of my brain that wants the fake dopamine. how do you guys do it? I'm in fucking shambles.