I feel bad for wanting to be distant from my best friend of 15 years.

She is my second cousin and we’ve been friends ever since i can remember, currently, we’re both 2nd sem students. We unexpectedly ended up in the same college in a different state, so our parents find us a double bed hostel room. We never had a serious fight that caused us to not talked for days but we also don’t tell each other all of our secrets like crushes, family problems or our life problems. But our friendship has been stable till today.

I will forever love her but these days or for the past few years, i feel like we are not that compatible as friends. It feels like we have been friends for this long just because we were introverts, lived close to each other as children and basically forced by our parents to stick together.

She has always been secretive, a bit arrogant and selfish during highschool but i always tolerated her because she’s my best friend. She never wanted to make friends or talk to others in hostel during class10 and i would mostly just stick with her because i didn’t want her to be alone. some of my close friends had problems with her because she was really arrogant in that year and i would just make up excuses for her and stand for her so that they would not actually hare her, though she has improved a lot and in good terms with everyone now.

But after actually living with her everyday, i feel kinda drained. I don’t have rules or stubbornness when it comes to people i cared for, even if I’m tired or don’t want to do things, i would just do it if they really need/want it. Every favour she asked, I did, even if i’m really tired & wanted to sleep i’d still follow her to the convenience store to get ONE thing she forgot to buy because she’d keep on asking me till i agree. 9 out of 10 times i talked to cashiers, shop owners & college seniors because she doesn’t want to. Except for her, that’s not the case, if i asked her a favour and she’s not in the mood, she’d just say “No” and wouldn’t change her mind, but if i tried to push her like she did me, she’d do it while looking clearly annoyed. One time, i said let’s take a two wheeler taxi because it’s cheaper and she said no, i asked her why and she said she just doesn’t want to. If i ask her to eat somewhere, she’d say “I’m not hungry, if you want, go by yourself”. Anytime i suggested or planned something she doesn’t want, instead of trying to negotiate, she’d just be like “Do it yourself then”. She always has to get her way.

And at the beginning of college, we made friends with 2 girls from her department who are also from our state, but i am the only girl from our state from my department. The four of us constantly sticked together for like 2 months until i finally respected myself. During lunch and breaks, they never invited me over, i’d call them 2-3 times until they finally picked up. I literally followed them around like a dog because i did not have a friend from our department then. Once i stopped following them around, they started inviting me…… for like 2 times. It kinda stings that my best friend of 15 years do not care about me being alone at all even though she knew.

Also, she’s so secretive when it comes to me, i find out about a guy who tried to talk to her when she was on video call with our other friend, and about her “jokingly crush” from the other 2 friends. I understand if she doesn’t tell me because i didn’t ask but she literally doesn’t want to tell me even if i asked. She kept who gave her gifts on valentine’s day a secret but her 2 other friends probably know. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want to tell me things even though i always do.

I also have two other friends from class10 who are from different states currently, who, as of now, feels more like my best friends. They’re much more considerate of others, i can easily open up to them, they opened up to me, during our school years, they never made me feel left out. I cried telling them my problems, they’ve cried with me. After thinking for a long time, i feel like i got the emotional bond and support i had always craved from them, not from my best friend of almost 2 decades. I received the same amount of love i gave them when it comes to them.

And i feel bad thinking about it sometimes but i wish we’d just naturally separate but instead we ended up in the same college in the same room. And i feel bad comparing her to my other friends but i cannot help either. Even though i’m an awkward ass introvert, i still challenged myself, talked to people even if i’m scared, danced at functions, dressed up like crazy and do shit if the situation calls. My other best friends are like that, we can adapt to situations, we can negotiate. But with my forever best friend, i cannot act like who i want at all because we are literally not the same. She’s allergic to change while i want to improve. It’s not even fun to be with her sometimes and I’m too considerate when it comes to her for goodness sake.

Not only she disagrees with me a lot, she’s the kind of person who just hate popular things and trends. Told me she cannot just like Lana Del Rey once i started listening to her. Called my favourite sport anime trash because her favourite is another one even though she has never watched a 1 minute clip of it. I watched the shows she recommended, shut up even if she played a noisy song. She literally has no intention of humouring me a bit sometimes.

I also feel like i might try too hard to keep our friendship going or being a people pleaser. But honestly, it’s just who i am, i just respect the people i love and care about and i’m tired of being the only one who does.