Should I just be celibate?

My wife and I have been married for over 7 years and together for about 10. Early in our relationship she was usually the one initiating sex. There was a period where I know I wasn’t satisfying her the way I should have, so I worked on myself and improved in that area.

A lot changed after she got pregnant. It was a very difficult pregnancy, and after we had our child she started therapy. Even before therapy our sex life wasn’t amazing, but it was decent. I’ll admit that early on I was resistant to trying new things sexually, but over time I opened up and made an effort to explore more together.

During therapy she uncovered that she had been molested by a family member. Since then, intimacy has been complicated. There have been times we both consent to sex, but in the middle of it she’ll start crying or dissociating. I always stop immediately, but even when she reassures me it’s not my fault, it still weighs on me.

We started marriage counseling because we both have trauma that affects the relationship. Different therapists have given different advice. At one point the issue became that she felt rejected because I don’t do much PDA and she felt I treated her “like one of the boys” or only wanted her for sex. I worked on that and became more affectionate publicly, but then it turned into me doing “too much,” so I scaled back.

Later the concern shifted to me not spending enough time with her because I work multiple jobs, and that I don’t engage in enough foreplay. What’s been emotionally draining is that she’s compared some of my actions to those of a rapist. For example, I used to playfully touch her chest while she slept — something she had done to me as well — but she later said that since she couldn’t consent while asleep, it crossed her boundaries. We discussed it, set clear consent rules, and I’ve respected that.

Recently, she playfully grabbed my butt and I joked back flirtatiously. Later that night, after we spent family time cooking and watching a movie, I verbally asked if she wanted to have sex. She responded that I was being “obsessive” about sex. When I asked what specifically made her feel that way, she couldn’t give a clear answer and kept referencing the past. In therapy two days later she apologized and said she felt overwhelmed.

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to beg for sex. I’m not cheating, but I’ve caught myself fantasizing about other women because my needs feel unmet. I’ve even questioned whether she’s attracted to me. She’s shared fantasies about being with another woman, often watches lesbian content during sex, and her porn history reflects that — though she insists she’s attracted to me.

There have also been times she’s turned me down for sex, only for me to later realize she waited until I fell asleep to masturbate.

At this point I feel confused, rejected, and emotionally drained. I don’t know what to do anymore, and my needs feel invisible.

Any advice would help.