i want a diagnosis but can't talk about traumas.

[this is kind of a question that's connected to a vent/rant]

i don't even know how to write this.

i've spent the last two weeks visiting 3 therapists to see if anyone could help me and if i could finally get some clarity on if i have c-ptsd or not.

the first one i went to was really kind and understanding, she was even the first person i talked to about how much the stuff i went through is impacting me. thankfully she didn't ask that much in detail what my trauma was. she gave me a paper with a "suspected diagnosis" of ptsd. with that i planned to go to different therapists who have the capcities to take me as a patient (because this therapist didn't).

i was really anxious about having to find a different therapist, because i noticed how i was really struggling to even see my traumas as valid. i have such a deep rooted fear of being judged and that my traumas "weren't even that bad".

i was motivated to see the second therapist, because she talked on her website how she's specifically treating complex ptsd (which i think i might have).

when i got to her office, she was really nice and asked me for my reason to visit her. i told her straight up that i was at a therapist a couple days ago and how i have the suspicion i might have complex ptsd and how i wanted to talk with her about it.

the thing is, i'm not sure how talking about trauma in therapy is supposed to go. but the way this therapist handled it made me feel very anxious again.

she asked me about what specific trauma i went through.

you have to know that i tend to often freeze up and just get mute when i feel anxious, maybe it has also something to do with the fear of being judged.

and then there was that feeling again, the feeling that's questioning why i'm even here and who tf i think i am thinking i have any kind of trauma or even complex ptsd.

the therapist went on and said how one requirement for complex ptsd is having made a traumatic experience (like i didn't know bro), and that if i don't tell her, she can't help me.

and maybe she's right, but i just wanted help and i just wanted to feel any kind of validation for my struggles. even though i talk down on my trauma, i still know i'm suffering because of the consquences.

THEN this therapist went on and listed every possible trauma there is, and told me if that happened to me or not.

i fr just wanted to run and say "nevermind, i think i'm healed now"

it wasn't even the worst part that she listed "all" of the possible traumatic experiences someone could have endured, it was that she didn't even mention my traumas in the slightest.

after saying no to everything she asked me, she then said "so there's only one thing left" like this is some kind of guessing game or mystery to solve.

i can't even begin to describe how worthless and unimportant my traumas feel.

so yeah, since this happend i just sat in at the rest of the session in silence, answering when i needed to.

i even ended up saying a part of my trauma and just completely crying. she didn't comment on if i might have c-ptsd or not. (which was the goal of my visit)

she ended the session by recommending me to go to a psychward and that she's sorry she can't help me.

the thing is also, i NEVER got an individual therapy to work through all the issues i have, i only had group therapy for social anxiety for one year - which helped a bit, but the therapist from then recommended me i need an individual therapy and that group therapy itself isn't enough.

so after this session with that second therapist, i went to another therapist.

i was already very anxious and tense because i realized how small and unimportant my trauma seemed for that second therapist.

i told him about my issues, about my problems with regulating my emotions, other stuff that'll take way too long and is also way too personal to describe on here, and most importantly i told him how i have issues with trusting people and how i'm very easily hurt and i get mute when i feel threatened.

honestly i can't even recall what he said exactly anymore, but the only thing is that i felt very uncomfortable and i couldn't really focus because of how tense i was and because of how i was just dissociating. i was just thinking the whole time how my trauma is so meaningless and that others have it way worse.

i also told him about the severe depression i had as a kid (which was diagnosed), he said something if that maybe wasn't just self-diagnosed of me.

i told him about how i feel so detached from people, how i feel like i can never fit in anywhere; i kept on talking about that and when i ended up saying "i just feel so different to others" the therapist just laughed in a condescending way and said "but that's good?" like i'm just a child and he's belittling me.

at this point i knew, that if i talked about my traumas to him, that he would do nothing but belittle it and ask me if i didn't just make it up.

he ended up ALSO recommending me to go to a psychward (mind you i don't have any suicidal thoughts and i'm not self-harming), and that i should make another appointment with him to talk about going to a psychward.

i was once at a psychward and i don't even want and i can't even talk about how much of a toll it had on me to be there. i don't like feeling trapped. i don't like being helpless to the people there.

because now if i don't like a therapist, i can just leave and go home. but if i'm there i'm stuck, i can't move freely. i need freedom.

i just wanted to be heard. people probably worry when i'm freezing up and that i'm getting scared to speak, but this is only when i don't feel comfortable with the person. later on in the session i was able to talk.

and the thing is, maybe they were all right. maybe i just got it all wrong and i'm overly sensitive.

but i can't help but feel like no one is ACTUALLY listening to me. expect for that first therapist maybe, but to her i didn't even specifically talk about which traumas i have.

i just wanted someone to listen to me, to take me seriously. to acknowledge me.

i just wanted to get a diagnosis, because in the past i also didn't have any luck with therapists and i thought that if i maybe have a clear diagnosis, maybe people would take me more seriously and don't just brush me off with the advice to "drink water" and "enjoy life".

i'm trying to enjoy life, i actually like my life and i know how much potential it has. that's why i wanted to start therapy.

but it seems that people can't, or don't even want to help me.

and i'm sorry if this seems kinda all over the place.

i don't even know what my goal is from posting this here, maybe i just needed to get this out.

in my life i've been to a total of 15 therapists, and no one could help me.

maybe i'm doing something wrong, maybe you have some advice. or maybe i should keep on searching.

my final question to you: do i really have to talk and say all of my traumas to get a diagnosis? were the therapists actually right? or I DONT EVEN KNOW😭

and how can i even talk about my traumas?

just let me know what you think.

thank you for reading all of this and take care <3

(also sorry if some stuff may seem confusing, english is not my first language)