Struggling really badly with relationship OCD and I feel so ashamed of it…

I’ve been dealing with OCD for a while, but over the past 6 months it’s really latched onto my relationship and become full-blown relationship OCD. I never used to struggle with this theme before, and it’s honestly been one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with. When I was with my ex, these things never once crossed my mind.

The anxiety feels uncontrollable at times. For example, if Facebook shows me “suggested friends” and it’s someone my boyfriend follows, my brain immediately creates a whole story. I’ll convince myself it’s some kind of secret fling, or that he’s keeping them around “just in case” we break up so he can go back to them. There’s zero evidence for it but it feels real in the moment and I work myself up.

What makes it worse is how it changes me. I start feeling resentful toward completely innocent people who just show up on my feed. I get insanely jealous and insecure. My mood shifts, I get irritable, and sometimes I end up being grumpy with him. And I hate that. I love him. I don’t want to treat him differently because of thoughts I logically know are OCD driven and I’m terrified he’ll leave me & tell everyone how crazy I am.

I also compare myself constantly. If I see girls I think are “more his type,” I spiral. I start thinking he must wish he was with them and that I’m just the best he could do right now. It chips away at my self-esteem and makes me question everything.

I’m working on it in CBT, and I really want to overcome this. I don’t want OCD to control how I feel in my relationship. But most days it feels so exhausting and lonely. I feel ashamed even admitting how irrational some of these thoughts are.

If anyone else struggles with relationship OCD — how do you cope with the jealousy and the stories your brain creates? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who understand. My self worth is at an all time low, I’ve never been more insecure in myself.