making peace with the fact that i’m not capable of making/sustaining friendships. (vent)

call it a pick-me post, self-obsessed, victimhood, i just don’t know and i’m tired. ( please feel free to skip)

23M and I’ve somehow lost every friendship I’ve ever had. In school I was there, but never really in. They had their real group. I was the extra chair. The punchline. The dependable one. I’d help with homework, projects, whatever they needed. But when it came to choosing who to sit with, who to call, who to include, it was rarely me.

Switched schools in 11th because of family problems. Tried again. Same outcome. Polite. Helpful. Adjusting myself to fit in. Still felt optional.

Then again due to family problem, I couldn’t do regular college. Almost zero social interaction for years. I’d watch old classmates living their “best years” while I was just stuck in my room trying to survive my own head. At 19 I was crying alone in the dark, genuinely not okay. Often suicidal. Somehow dragged myself out of that.

Worked. Interned. Built things on my own. No one to guide. Started my own manufacturing. Took big risks. Figured everything out alone (still doing it). I can handle life. I can handle pressure. I can build from scratch.

But I can’t seem to make someone stay.

That’s the part that breaks me a little.

A girl texts me. We vibe. It’s easy. There’s laughter. Flirting. For a few days I feel seen. Then she goes cold. No explanation. Just distance. And it shouldn’t matter that much. It was four days.

But it does.

Because it feels like a pattern. People come close, then drift. I’m good enough to talk to. Good enough to help. Good enough to pass time with. Not good enough to keep.

And I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt.

I’m 23 and I don’t have a single “friend” I can call when I’m down. No group chat lighting up. No plans. Just me figuring everything out by myself over and over again. Year after Year. Everyone went no-contact.

Maybe I’m too much. Maybe I have a negative energy. Maybe I’m not enough. Maybe I don’t know how to let people in without overdoing it. I don’t even know anymore.

I just know I’m tired of feeling like I’m always the one who stays, while everyone else leaves.

Anyway this post was made in the heat of an episode, would delete tomorrow. It doesn’t matter.