Should I keep the baby?

Disclaimer: longer post where I talk about whether or not should I undergo medical/chemical abo*tion, I believe every woman should have a choice about her body and life, so if this topic makes you uncomfortable, please scroll. Also english is not my first language, so sorry for mistakes.

So quick intro, I’m divorcing my husband because of various things he has done during my first pregnancy, postpartum and later. We have a daughter, she is 1,5 yo, he never took care of her and until now he was mostly not present in her life. So I was basicly a single mother all the time.

We broke up last August, for half of a year I was doing great and was enjoying my life solo with my babygirl.

This January we kind of reconnected, he started to be more present father (but doing bare minimum anyway). He once again tried to persuade me to get back together and this time I said ok let’s try. It didn’t work out (obviously) but I got pregnant again.

So here’s the thing (I know how stupid and naive I am, and I feel very low and ashamed of myself). Now I don’t know what to do.

I always wanted a second baby, with this exact age difference. I have everything one needs for a baby, as I stored all the stuff after my daughter. I love being a mom! And I would love for my daughter not to grow up as an only child.

But! I’m divorcing him (lawyer said it will not be a problem for me to be pregnant with him during this, but anyway I know the judge will judge me haha).

I know I will be completly alone to care for a newborn and a toddler (daughter will be 2,2 yo when baby should be born). Minimal help from my family and minimal from his family. No available friends.

Also I’m still on maternity leave (in my country you can stay for 6 months with a good money and another 2,5 years with a miserable money). Until now, he was paying nothing and I got help from his parents (but now our connection kind of broke and I don’t want to count on them anymore). Meaning I have no savings and pretty huge bills every month thanks to my husband (and my stupidity as well).

I know this is only my decision, but I’m lost and the time to make that decision is running out.

Are two kids and this small doable alone? I’m very afraid I will not make this. Plus the whole pregnancy, birth and postpartum gives me PTSD from the last time. On the other hand I believe it could be very nice in the future. (If I will make it and my kids will have a happy mom instead of drained wreck mom).

However I feel like only now, I started to finally feel good and myself and I was looking forward to live my life. Also another child would mean another link to my husband and potentionaly more abuse, which I really don’t want (and should have think about it sooner I know). Also the shame I carry inside of me is insane, I can’t imagine how I will be walking around with a huge babybump and a toddler. If I could skip at least a year of this period I would probably feel lighter but I don’t know.

Now one day I feel like absolutely yes I’m keeping the baby and with the love in my heart I think, at least I can experience it again. Then next day I feel like absolutely not, never again I want to go through this ever again..

If you have read this far thank you, I would love to know what do you think. Have a great day.