Venting #3 and probably last one.

I was spiriling in the morning but feel sligthly better now.

I grew up not remembering ever seeing my parents being affectionated to each other, my mom told me when I was 8yo that my father forced himself on her for years. Even as a kid than left a mark on me,as an adult,thiking of it now it’s fucking terrifying.I understand she didn’t have much people around and this is not something you tell someone out of blue but I was a child.

I grew in na abusive and weird house.My father rarely spoke with me, my brother died before I was born and when my mom got pregnant with me he wanted to give me (if I was a boy) the same name as my brother…they only found my gender on the day of my birth,my father was with my grandma and my mom told me she called him afterwards to reveal the gender,once she told him I was a girl he signed and passed the phone to my grandma.She only said she heard him telling her “It’s a girl…” in a disappointed tone. My grandma tried to fix this by saying “Don’t worry,he will love her the same” to me mother.

As I was growing up, my father’s family gifted me boy’s clothes and boy’s toys. I loved the toy’s but I was a girly girl atleast when it came to dressing,so I hated the clothes. It only stopped when I started to grow into my body.Nobody gifted me clothes after that.

My poor dad probably needed therapy after my brother died (he had a marriage before my mother, my brother died when he was 6yo and the cause was cerebral palsy.Rest in peace,big brother) but never had it,not that he believes in it anyway. Can’t even tell him about my depression,autism and I’m still waiting to get accessed for ADHD and PTSD.  I couldn’t hate my dad,even after everything. He tried his best but he didn’t know how. He told me once, after my relationaship ended that I’m a dificult person, that I must have cheated and he was sad for the guy. I remember him choking my mother in the kitchen after dinner once and remember him,this is so graphic and disgusting to write but I need to fkn getting everything out my chest, groping my mom under her shirt,the shirt was loose and I saw him squeeze her nipple. He didn’t care that I was next to them.
This never happen again and tbh I don’t remember any other time my father was sexually inappropriate. He also never tried to do something to me, always, to his best hability felt he tried to protect me. Unfortunately the man has the emotional sensitivity of a cabbage.

My breats grew at 10. I kinda have big breats,nowdays I use a sport bra to make them seem smaller. I loged for friends but was fucking weird.
When I was eleven, I was crossing a road with my mom. Felt pretty,was wearing a yellow tube top with a bow in the middle, a headband,jeans and some all stars my parents gave me for my birthday.What they lacked in love and affection they tried to give in gifts. I like to think I still look like a child at 11yo. I will never forget this,some guys in a red car started to tell me to lift the top. My mom said to ignore them. They were laughing and were definitely older than 18. It still haunts me today.

Didn’t had attention at home,my grandma always said I was manipulative,weird and whiny (autism), father ignored me and mother was to depressed to give a shit. I would always follow the mean girls that treated me like crap.
But boys, boys gave me attention,at the time I thought it was friendship. I noticed the more I showed the more they spoke to me. I logged for friend and attention and they gave it to me. From 12 to 14 and then from 19 to 22 I dressed in a way to show my body.
I used my appearance as a way to connect with people,relied on my looks (I’m not saying I’m a 10,far from it but I had a big chest and it was enough) because in my mind I was stupid, dumb, annoying, uninteresting (I though at the time,don’t have this mindsent anymore.) They were super cool and spoke a lot,asked questions,would be near me,give me attention,planning to go out! Till…the sexual questions,the straightforward compliments,asking to come to their house… Everytime I met a guy I though it wouldn’t happen and it did.They weren’t interested in me as a person,didn’t care at all,jsut in what they could get from me. It traumatized me over and over and it was my fault but I can’t read people well.

I donated all my old clothes,nowdays I don’t show cleavage or use stuff that it’s too tight. I’m scared to be seen as sexual ,as a fantasy. Don’t want people to think about me in that way,it makes me disgusting and sick,a weird feeling in my body when i think of it.Like shame mixed with something else?

I used to feel jealous of other gitls because I was scared they would take my “friends”(before they accused themselves of only being my “friends” to sleep with me).The other girls were so much more interesting,intelligent,could hold a conversation,had hobbies and interesting topics.More complete,not defected. I was afraid to be replaced, coudln’t compete with them. I was scared to be left behind,like my parents did to me. I only had my body.
I would go home and lock myself in my room,have been basically educated by the internet.Couldn’t keep a hobbie so would just waste my time navegating on the internet.I isolated a lot and it didn’t help with the communication. But I knew I wasn’t enough.

If I’m being honest,I never and I’m not interested in sex. I had two boyfriends,had sex because I felt like it was the expected thing to do. Felt I need to have sex to recieve love. I see myself as assexual and hope one day to be in a relationaship where sex isn’t important. But I used to runway from this,tried to hard to make sexual jokes and speak about sexual things because I though it would make me normal and I would “cure” this.   
I never fantasized about sex either, with no one.But ofc I would tell people I did. I feel attraction but I don’t feel sexual attraction,if that makes sense? I had crushes but I didn’t wanna have sex with them. Remember saying something along those lines to a friend when I was 12 and she called me bizarre(she was older and sexual active). Never spoke about this to anyone till 2 weeks ago to my psychiatrist but I know it and finally admited it to myself two years ago.I wanted to surpress this part of myself by sexualizing myself and forcing myself to engage in the topics. Hell,I even used to, if someone send me a message , send a print to the person with a “incognito” page open and would say “aha you caught me watching porn!” Randomly. So quirky. And did this till my early twenties!Fuck. My fantasies consisted of holding hands and kissing in bed, after that we went to sleep,cuddling lol
Feels so good to finally accept this part of me.

I feel my lying steemed from low-self esteem (would exagerate things to be interesting and have something to talk about) and fear (I had to lie at home). Autism made hard for me to genuine connect,I couldn’t speak in groups due stress or fear,would close myself to people because I would be scared to make a fool out of myself and people wouldn’t like me anymore. This reminds me,when I was in primary school we went to a museum and at the end we had 8 diferent fears and they gave us each other a token to place in front of the fear we had. Fears like,”scared of height”,”scared of clows”…and the second one,my biggest fear “scared of people not liking me” and the drawing was a girl being made fun of by three people. I wasn’t the last one to place the token but I saw my colleagues before me placing the tokens. I was so surprised nobody had the same fear as me. It was my turn and I place the token,the kids after me also had mundane fears. I was the only one that had chosen that one. Our caretaker,placed her token on the “scared of people not liking me” and made a funny/sad face.Like pretend to cry and he laughed. The next day my mom said she told her when my mom went to pick me up I had choosen that fear and to keep an eye of me. I felt she choose to place the token there to make me feel more confortable. Wonderful person.

If not mistaken my parents didn’t have sex,or atleast very rarely after I was 10. I slept with my mom till I was 14yo, never though nothing of it. I started to sleep late at night and waiting to have my own privacy so I remember her sleeping on the couch. I think once or twice she slept in my dad’s (yes,my dad’s,not parent’s) room and I can imagine what she had to do. My poor mother, my poor dad.What a fkn mess. Although I like to be alive, this people shouldn’t had procreated together.It’s a paradox.
My mom slept with me to avoid my dad, I only had this realization as an adult.

At 14yo I developed anorexia. My lowest weight was 91Ibs at 5’3. I remember my mom crying,remember her breaking a plate of food but those time were a blur. I isoleted and my grades lowered.I remember I wouldn’t eat anything for two weeks and then would drink a cup of vegetable milk and a green apple,I remember it had to be specifically green for some reason. I would drink green tea everyday which would accelerate my heartbeat and would do 8 minute exercicises on youtube. I remember writing somewhere “I preferer to die trying to be skinny than be alive and fat” and truly believed and wanted that.It

Once every 3 months I would allow myself half a chocolate bar on Saturday (my parents weren’t home on Saturdays) and the other half I would throw away. Tried to vomit several time, would even mix salt with water (read it would make me vomit) and driking it but don’t ever remember being able too. I was obcessed with numbers.

I wonder now if I was trying to regain control in some way inside my home.

Years later I had a friend, she was nice but had mood swings,maybe due insecurity although I believe now she was under a lot of academic pressure.
One day we were talking and she mention she wanted to lose weight and I just said it was easy,she just need to count the calories. I regret it to this day. This,mixed with the pressure, self image issues and perfectionism (she was extremely perfectionist) manage in a mental break down. She fell apart.She was a difficult person but I liked her in the beggining,I had my faults and he were both toxic and co-dependent. Everytime she snapped at me I liked her a little less but my biggest fault is communication. I would silentely resent her to the point I didn’t saw her as a friend anymore and acted cold and uninteresded,frankly because I was but I felt I couldn’t step back because we were in the same school and hobbies. It’s enterely my fault and I apologise.
She never knew how I felt so she though I was acting fake towards and in a way,I guess I was? I didn’t wish harm on her but I resented some things. Next time I saw her she was skinny,very skinny. It made me have those thoughts again,for months after that I would punish myself and eat once a day.If I ate more,I felt guilty and cried. I cut myself at some point, became obsessed with the scale again. I never told this to anyone,not even her. I didn’t manage to became as skinny as before and I saw this as a failure.
This is the part I feel we parted ways.
I think now how much suffering she was in. She tried to kill herself and I found through someone (thank god she didn’t) but I was so sick,so triggered,at same time mad with her because of the long messages she would send me insulting me ,blaming me for the tiniest things.One time she asked me before I left the house to bring a specific thing,I probably got tangled with other stuff and I forgot to bring it. I told her I forgot and she said I did it on purpouse and was a liar, with a very angry voice,the one she always used when she was mad.I know this seems minor,and it fucking is but it was a constant burst of “I hate you you are the worst person ever” to then apologise. I didn’t know how to deal with this,we never resolved issues in my family, Oh I screamed at you and you are sad? Well,I’m just gonna start talking to you like nothing happened. This is how we “fixed” things in my family.We never spoke about what made us angry,what we did wrong,how we hurt the other person. Was fight and then pretend nothing happen and I feel that,mixed with other things, really harmed my relationships with others. Mix fear of conflint autism gives me and the lying mechanism I had to learn to survive and it was a recipe to disaster.

But what I said to that is something I regret to this day,it haunts me how I could have said this about someone,I feel deeply ashamed but I said “I wish she had died”.I’m so so sorry. Typing this makes me disgusted about myself,makes me want to cry,makes me mad.We both had out faults but she didn’t deserve what I said. Wherenever you are,I hope you are happy,I hope your family is happy and that you kicked anorexia in the butt. I hope you don’t feel depressed anymore,have good friends around you and a good job because you did put the hard work.May you get a lifetime of hapiness and everything you wish and I’m sorry.

Eventually I managed to get better at 15yo and was almost back to “normal” by 16yo,although I don’t think this disease ever goes away,even nowdays,the medication I’m taking since January already made me lose 6 kilos because I’m not hungry,at all. I have been eating between 480 to 800 calories a day. I know I can’t go through this again. At the same time,in a twisted way, makes me happy. I will stop.

At 15yo a man rubbed himself agaisnt me in the bus,I was with my mom I felt his member grow agaisnt my butt,the bus was crowded and I was terrified. I had purple hair,4 facial lips piercing and dress very goth.Most people looked at me weird and guys wanted nothing to do it me,so in a way I felt safe before this experience. Luckly he had to leave in the next stop. Once he left I told my mom what happen, she laughed and said it happens. Maybe she didn’t know what to say to me about such an umconfortable situation? I do remembering,once again, feeling small , like I was a child again begging to be seen and offered some love and reasurring from my parents, the people that supposedlylove me the most and are there to protect me.

Not all men and I want to remember some positive experiences I had:

At 18,when leaving my part-time job at midnight, while trying to cross the street a car with four men stopped,open the doors and told me to enter. Thank you kind sir, who defended and helped me . You were in yout 60’s and weren’t afraid to help me. Hope luck is always on your side.Sorry for running and not thank you at the time but I was scared.I will never forget you.

Also at 18 I got lost in the middle of a empty road,got out in the wrong place and it was the last bus but I didn’t know so I stayed in the stop hoping another one would come. It didn’t. Didn’t have money or cards with me,don’t remember why. Two guys appeared on the other side of the road,and kept looking at me,speaking to each other. I panicked,I was alone and it was dark.They started moving towards me till I saw something from the corner of my eye and it was a family. I run to them and asked for help.Turns out there was a coffee shop 10 minutes away. They took me there and the husband lend me money to get home safe. Thank you.

ALSO AT 18YO,I don’t remember your name but thank you for being so kind to me at my work and trying to help me get another part-time to help my family and put a good word for me to your boss,it didn’t work out but you tried. You weren’t doing it to get something in return. I cried when I found out about your death and knowing the details,I’m sorry you suffered.Thought about you some days ago, it’s gonna be 10 years since you died. We spoke maybe six times but you were genuine and kind to me. Rest in peace.

At 16yo I got groomed by a 25yo,already spoke about it in another post and don’t want to repeat this painful situation. After a few years or turmoil,at 22yo I remember looking in the mirror and thinking “WTF”. What had happen to me,I didn’t recognized myself. I wanted to change. For 2 years I didn’t leave the house,covered the windows and would stay in the dark. I didn’t had the opportunity to discuss this with any professional yet but I was severely paranoid, to the point I though others could hear my thoughts. Didn’t use any social media,isolated myself again. Every night before my birthday I would ask God to make me die in my sleep. Birthdays were painful. Didn’t had friends or nobody to talk to.
At 25yo I got better and remember feeling positive on my birthday that year! Found a job a two months later and liked it very much. Was still friendless till last year, recconected with old peers and made efforts to make new ones. Feel positive,despite my depression,feel I changed as a person and to be sure I started therapy this year. Don’t lie anymore (stopped at 22,in fact I stopped most bad habits at 22) still have a lot of trouble with communication and that’s my biggest flaw but I also misinterpret a lot of things due my autism,my supervisor gets pissed at me a lot aha but we are also friends and she supports me. Her son is also special needs and this wonderfull human being was the reason I decided to get acessed.I’m very lucky to have such a patient person like her in my life, sometimes I feel like she treats me like a small child and Ik it’not in her nature but it’s the fact she tries to control herself with me.Thank you so much.

Ended on a positive note this time :)