Realizing I never wanted to be around my family

I recently found that just being able to treat a flashback by 'seeing' my younger self at that time and comforting her helps a lot with processing them.

I also realized that in these flashbacks, I was oddly at 'peace' when my family wasn't even around, that in certain traumatic moments when my family wasn't involved, I was only slightly 'happier' because at least my parents weren't there to make it worse.

I used to feel so guilty about it, like there are happier families who love hanging out with each other, want their parents to see them in their achievements, and even those moments in like movies or irl that kids would be sad that their parents didn't show up to some event, but I remember being very young and when there was a presentation, or some school activity, I remember not wanting my parents to be there, like at all.

It's so jarring that at such a young age, I realized that my parents aren't safe people. Aren't people who'd give me support and comfort. I'm glad that I know this now, but, I don't know what to do with it.