Relating to Conrad

I’ve been trying to understand why Conrad as a character has stayed with me like no other character has. And there are the obvious reasons such as his immense selflessness and his undying devotion to Belly etc. But I still couldn’t shake that it was something more.

So here is when it gets slightly personal. I’ve been struggling lately (it’s hard to even write those four words) and I realized that how I’ve been handling things aren’t too different from how Conrad handles difficult things. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself in a character before but I do with Conrad to some degree.

I too tend to bottle things up like we see Conrad do. I find it very hard to talk about ”stuff” and this is where it gets frustrating for me when people say that Conrad is ”toxic” for his lack of communication skills. Opening up is hard and not easy, me personally, I can sit and think about how I want to talk to friends but stop myself, because not unlike Conrad, I feel like I’m burdening them. When people talk about Conrad and communication it’s like they’re missing this simple fact, that it’s hard. Conrad doesn’t do it to hurt anyone, it’s actually the opposite. And it’s the same way with me.

I ended up unintentionally isolating two of my friends for various reasons one being to ”protect” them from me being a burden, (again not unlike Conrad). The result of this was that I made them think that I didn’t want to talk to them anymore. This made me understand Belly’s perspective, and how she began to think that Conrad closing off was about her.

Now, they want me to talk to someone but I’m just not in my ”Conrad season three era” I just need f someone who will sit with me ”in it”. I wonder if that’s what Conrad needed but Belly being so young was unable to understand this.

The real tragedy is that Conrad and others who struggle are labeled ”toxic” and that itself is what’s actually toxic. I apologize if this got too long.