I don't know how this is supposed to be healing.

I know I post a lot, it's one way to kind of help me get stuff out of my head, just helps me put it all somewhere.

Mandatory military service ruined my life. And something that I found funny was how disgusting I found nice officers to be. Not performatively nice. Like, actually nice officers. Recently, a counselor told me that conscription, or at least my experience of it, sounds like a form of institutional abuse. And that I'm traumatized. My mother- Who is a military veteran, but had a radically different experience and never experienced being a conscript- Has said the same thing.

Well, if it was abuse, then any of those officers who weren't abusers were still enablers. My mom will admit that. She'll admit she was. But I love her because she does everything that she can to understand me, now, and help me heal. Anyhow, there was this officer there, Katerina, I'd say she's in her 30s and was all motherly with me. One point, my relationship was falling to bits and after not seeing my girlfriend for three months, I asked her if I could have time off. She felt awful about it, got me a long weekend, then. Or when she kept telling me about this "cool" barber down the road and how she'd be happy to give me the money since I apparently needed to get my hair cut because it was getting too long... Or when she gave me her phone number, or sends Christmas and birthday presents since I got back...

And looking back, I find her disgusting. I was falling to bits. So a few days ago, I snapped at her over the phone. But she's still friends with my parents, you know? Says that she wants to help me heal, and wants to give me something, if that's okay with me. I was hoping it would be something cool, so I thought, yeah, alright.

So... She had this bike. Not like a fucking Harley, I mean more like one of these moped things, hasn't used it in years and it's a bit old and all this, but said that me and my dad could maybe repair it and then I could use it. And I'm... Honestly, I'm offended. I'm completely offended.

Seriously, I get put through the most disgusting year of my life, being told by her to try and make the best of it, that maybe it's not all bad but just different, trying to be a fucking mom when the one I have is just fine- And for all that shit, I get this shitty bike? And repair work that you're supposed to pretend is rewarding when it's just shit? That's it? That's fucking IT?

My brother is in Croatia with his friends. When he gets back, I'll give him a look, see if he wants the stupid thing. If not, I'll just scrap it.