Growing up without economical stability

I grew up in a small family where money was big part of the conversation. I always saw my mother worrying about how we would make ends meet.

She worked very hard to carry the household after divorcing my abusive father. While being together, they had agreed that she would take care of me and the home while he worked. My mother gave up her education, and this later became financial dependence that increased her fear of leaving him, even though he was an alcoholic physically violent man.

Growing up in such situation is difficult. I remember this one occasion when my mother had to choose between buying shampoo or rice and vegetables. We were poor, but her priority was to see her children well. She didn't want me to go to school with poor hygiene, so she washed my hair with hand soap, the only thing we had (for those who haven't tried it, I recommend not doing so, it leaves your hair stiff, almost like hairspray, hahah); at school, the children who already bullied me for not having new things like them, decided to pick on me and beat me up.

Slowly, things improved considerably. But I didn't. My mother is very mindful with money, but she doesn't miss the opportunity to happily do everything we couldn't afford in the past. But I can't.

I got to be a well paid engineer. Money is not an issue. Yet, I am not able to use the things I like, not even the ones I need for my health (I only buy and use food and hygiene items). For example, I have had chronic migraines since I was a child; I buy my medication and leave it in a drawer, even when I cannot open my eyes because of the pain. I just want to save it for later, and “later” never comes.

I wore the same glasses for years until they broke. I bought new ones, I was very happy but keep them stored away. I haven't worn them once because I'm afraid. I still wear the old ones, held together with tape.

I avoid shopping, but I also have bought makeup and other things I like. I don't use them either because I'm afraid of wearing them out.

I stumbled upon Project Pan, and even if it is mainly aimed for overconsumption, it has been the biggest motivation to use the things I own. I have even found happiness in doing so; it helps me minimise anxiety and guilt when using things. Seeing others share their progress makes me feel more confident and motivated. I try to remind myself that I have worked hard, and that the “special occasion” I am looking forward to so much is actually just… being alive.

I still struggle, but I'm proud of the progress I've made. Anyway, I wanted to know if anyone else has been through a similar journey. I think maybe someone else might have some advice on how to deal with anxiety and stay motivated on this path.

Besides it all, I hope y’all are doing great.🤍